The Ocarina of Time: Quest to Stop Evil Fanfic
by Justin Time
Summary: The coolest story in the world! OoT like story with all my own twists, my crazy sense of humor, and a dash of awesome action! Read and review or I'll slowly saw out your liver with a dull rusty spoon!
1. Finding a Sword

"Hey! Wakeup!" Said an oh so annoying voice. I replied,"Mom there's no school, it's Summer!" The annoying voice stopped, as if thinking..."Some girl is at the door asking for you!"

I jumped up immediately, and the first thing I noticed was I was wearing a really dorky green outfit! I gasped in horror wondering what the girl would think! Then I looked around and saw where I was!

"Where am I!" I yelled. A blue orb of light with wings responded in a voice that made me wish to scratch nails on a chalkboard and crumple styrofoam while beating a baby with a cat to cover up the noise,"In the Kokiri Forest of course!"

I was about to say "Where!", but for fear that it would talk again I kept my mouth shut. Instead I ran outside. I nearly fell off my house before I stopped!

"Okay...this is a dream!" I smacked myself."Ow! Dammit! Not working!" A small crowd of Kokiri gathered around my house, whispering among each other.

A small voice spoke up,"Kyle, what's wrong?" she approached me. In my crazed panic I yelled,"Stay away from me, devil-woman!"

She looked confused," I wonder if your sick like those other two?" I replied dumbly,"other two?" "Yes, two other Kokiri are acting strangely to! They are resting in the sleep-house, I"ll take you there too."

'Oh no!' I thought.'They think that I'm mentally ill! Well I'll just play along then!'

My name is Kyle, I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and I've been up day and night playing the Ocarina of Time. After I beat it, I woke up and now I'm in this mess. Oh well, now I must play along to avoid being sent to the nut-house!

"Sorry Saria, I was just panicking because I finally got a fairy!" The crowd slowly dispersed, muttering and grumbling. She smiled and exclaimed,"Oh, cool you got a fairy!"

I said, "Yah, well it wants to take me to the great Deku Tree, so I've gotta go now."

" Oh, okay...we can play in the woods later! See ya!" She walked off. I wiped the sweat off my forehead, "Phew...that was a close shave!"

Navi seemingly stared at me."What?" I said. She replied, "I never told you I was going to the Deku Tree, how'd you know!"

"I've got magic powers," I winked. After she stared at me in dumb fascination, I said,"Well, lead the way!"

"I thought you'd know the way,"she grumbled. And so Navi floated off towards the Deku Tree and I followed.

Blocking the path was the most idiotic looking Kokiri I had ever seen.He guffawed at me." Where'd you get a fairy, Kyle?" I then stated," I don't know, Mido, where'd you get those two hairy caterpillars?" He looked around nervously," Where?" he stated. "Right above your eyes you moron!"

As he idioticly tried looking above his eyes I went to walk past him."Not so fast!" he told me. So being the smart-ass I was I started walking slower." You know what I mean dork!" I stopped."No one see's the Deku Tree without a sword and a shield!"

I sighed and went into the training grounds, then I felt a rumbling and I dived out of the way, and a huge boulder rolled by me. I got up, wiped dust off my tunic, and walked around a corner and found a chest. I opened it and an annoying tune played.

DA DA DA DA! You got the Kokiri Sword!

Navi hit me and I opened my eyes and uncovered my ears. Strangely, there were two others in the chest." Don't remember that," I said.

I kept walking toward the hole I crawled through to get the sword when that accursed boulder started rolling towards me, what keeps it going anyways!

The Indiana Jones music rolled and I ran and dived through the hole."Jeez." I said wiping the sweat from my brow. Then I noticed a slight absence. My pointy green hat! I stuck my hand through the hole and grabbed my hat. Then I felt the rumbling of the boulder go by.

I walked towards Mido." Where did you get that sword!" he exclaimed. I calmly replied,"I pulled it out of a hole!" He looked at me, disgusted. I then realised what I said and blushed. He then said," Well you can't expect the Deku Tree to let you weild that sword without protection, did you?" It was my turn to look disgusted and his to blush!

"I meant get a shield..." he grumbled. Navi then shrieked in that horrible voice," Kyle, use your rupees to purchase things!" I responded,"REALLY!" Man, this adventure keeps getting worse and worse!

So I headed to the shop. With my remaining rupees I bought a Deku shield and a bottle of apple cider. I braced my self for the sure to come horrible jingle...

DA DA DA DAA! You got a Deku Sheild! To equip...blah blah blah

I uncovered my ears and was just about to enjoy my bottle of apple cider when unexpectedly...

DA DA DA DAA! You got a bottle of apple cider...blah blah blah

"DAMMIT!" I yelled angrily, the shop keeper laughed, seemingly enjoying himself. I beamed a viscious glare at him and he backed up and his fairy squeeked and hid in his cap.

After drinking the refreshing apple cider and(stupidly I later realised) throwing away the bottle, I said to Navi,"Now let's go see what the Deku Tree wants!"


	2. Kyle's Quest

Windsage1790: Sorry about that, I'll fix it in ch.3.(To lazy to fix ch.2)

Chach7776:No! Not the goons! Now I must work harder!

Feey: Thanks, I like your story!

AncientDirgeDragon:DA DA DA DAA! You got a review!(Kyle:NOO!)

Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews! Keep them coming and I'll keep the chapters coming! This chapter will have a little more of the Action/Adventure!Yay!

" Oh Navi, thou hast returned!" Said the Deku Tree, " Thank you, Kyle, for coming. Thy slumber these past moons must have been restless and full of nightmares." I thought to my self, ' Well you'd be restless too if you just saw a giant, talking tree!' He continued on, " A vile climate pervades this world. Verily, ye have felt it. The time has come to test thine courage. I have been cursed. I need you to dispel the curse with wisdom and courage. Art thou prepared?"

" My butt itches." I simply stated. Navi gave me a look of pure venom. The Deku Tree looked at me questionably, and to my surprise, asked, " Why dost thou butt itcheth?" I laughed and just said, "Nevermind...I'm ready."

He then said," Then Navi, be off with thee to perform thy mission," he paused," And Duran, help kyle in his quest."

I looked shocked. I did not remember this! Then, a green fairy floated towards me and said," What! Why do I get paired with the blonde?" I glared, and before I could respond the Deku Tree said," Take thy fairy, and enter, young Kyle."

He opened up. Duran hid in my cap, and I backed up and tripped in my fright! I slowly walked in, and it turns out inside were two deku babas waiting to greet me! I parried their attacks with my shield, and then charged one and chopped it down to size!

I stood there and smiled at my first kill, when the other deku baba bashed into my back! I yelled, and then stood up and promptly removed it's head from it's stem.

I put away my shield and sword and saw that accursed fairy laughing at me! " I didn't see you fighting," I said. He then stated, " I know, I'm not as stupid as you!"

He continued laughing. I grumbled and ignored him as I climbed the ladder to the second floor. I saw a chest, and I opened it and found a map. " Sweet!" I said. " You sure you know how to use it?" chuckled one annoying fairy.

I gave him an evil look and jumped across the chasm that was between this ledge and the next. I opened up a door and to my amazement a deku nut whizzed by my head! I whipped out my Deku Shield, and the next nut ricocheted back and hit my viridian colored assailant. It started running, and I sped to grab it. When I finally had a firm hand rested around his leafs, he squeeked, " Ah! Let me go, and I'll tell you how to defeat my brothers!"

I let go. " 3 1 2!" He squeeked out and ran. " Remember that," I said to Duran. " Never!" He exclaimed. I sighed and went to the next room. I quickly jumped from the ledge, to a gray rock, and then to the other side. I walked up to an oversized chest and opened it. Inside the gargantuan chest was a small slingshot and some deku seeds. " That's it?" I said. Then I realised my mistake...too late.

DA DA DA DAA!" You got the Fairy Slingshot!" Said a voice. "Grrr!" I growled, and in my anger I kicked the chest, and it hurt!

Duran was laughing at my anguish. Then an evil gleam came to my eyes! "You know they call it the Fairy Slingshot for a reason!" I then fired a barrage of deku seeds at Duran. One hit him and he yelled, "OW!"

The ones that missed hit a ladder on the ceiling and made it fall! I laughed at my good luck, jumped down, climbed the ladder and made my way out through the next two doors, Duran grudgingly following, muttering to himself as we went.

After a while of wandering I noticed the vines above the chest where I got the map. I pulled out my sligshot and quickly dispatched of the skulltulas crawling on the vines. I climbed up to the third floor, collecting rupees along the way. I went a little bit to the right and saw a door. I pushed it open and saw a switch. I jumped on it and three platforms appeared, and I swiftly hopped across them to the other side. I opened the chest and found a compass. I plugged my ears, and after the jingle passed I heard Duran say," Incase you didn't know, the needle points north."

" I think I know that!" I exclaimed. " Well, you are a blonde after all!" Duran said. "Hey!" I yelled. I hopped down, and using the vines, climbed up to the other side. I saw the unlit torch and immediately knew what to do. I pulled out a deku stick, ignited it, and lit all the torches with it.

The door opened and I let out a triumphant "Hmph!" and walked out. Then a huge skullwalltula came down and knocked me flat on my ass.

Duran was giggling hysterically, and I yelled," This day is really pissing me off!" While I pulled out my shield and unsheathed my sword. When it turned around I ran it through with my blade. It died and left some hearts. I picked it up and felt a revitalizing tingle as they replenished my health. I looked and all my cuts and bruises were gone.

" Sweet!" I exclaimed. I walked up to the edge and asked, mostly to my self," What do I do now?" For some reason my knowledge of the game was slipping.

I then heard a devilish laugh as Duran knocked me over the edge! I screamed as hit some webs, and then fell into the cold waters of the sublevel.

I swam to dry land. I saw a torch. I lit a deku stick, and with new malice, chased after that rambuncious green fairy, flames burning onmy deku stick like my anger.

" Ah! It was a joke!" yelled Duran. " Real funny! You could've killed me!" I yelled as my chase took us over some shallow water.

Then we hit dry land Duran accidentally ran into a web-blocked door. As he bounced back I took this new found oppurtunity to swing. Duran squeeled, but I had missed him and my flaming deku stick came crashing down into the webs, effectively incinerating them and leaving a clear passage to the door behind them.

I blinked at my blind luck. Then me and Duran laughed. I said, " I guess I won't kill you, yet!" He laughed and said," Then I guess I'll put off poisoning your food for a while!" I shot him a surprised expression and he squeeked, "Joking!"

I laughed and walked through the door. Two deku babas sprung up from the earth, and with one clean swipe I felled them both. I snatched up the deku nuts they left, and Duran said," Finally you got some nuts!" I laughed and playfully swiped at him.

I trained my slingshot on the eye above the door infront of me, and let a deku seed teach it for staring! The bars infront of the door lifted, and I pulled open the door. I saw some water, so I dived in and pushed a switch. I climbed back up onto dry land and hopped onto the now moving platform that was going across the water to the other side.

I skipped off upon reaching the other side. I saw a block and pulled out my sword and shield because I saw a shadow infront of it. I rolled under it and stuck my sword up. A skullwalltula came down and found itself shishkabobbed on my blade.I collected some rupees, pushed the block across the room and went to ignite two torches with a deku stick when two deku babas popped up.

" Dammit!" I yelled, pulling out my sword. I cleaved one in two and skewered the other. Sheathing my sword with one hand and firing up the torch with the other, I saw the bars on the door lift. The room was empty except for some webs and torches.

Being suspicous, I pulled out my sword and shield and walked forward. Three giant spider larvae came down. I pierced one and the others backed up. I blocked one of the remaining ones with my shield while I slashed the other. The last one lunged at me and I chucked a deku nut at it. It turned blue, momentarilly stunned. I impaled it, and it died(duh!).

Duran came out of my cap and said," Hey, you did pretty good! You only lost one nut!"

I groaned at his lame joke and roasted through one of the webs. I went through the door behind it. I pushed a block of a ledge and into the water. I jumped down on it and then off it and onto to dry land. I grabbed out a deku stick and lit it on a nearby torch. I swiftly hopped up the block and then onto the ledge and I saw my target, a small, web covered hole. I knew I couldn't make so I hurled what was left of the flaming nub of a deku stick at it. To my surprise it made it! I walked forward and watched the webs burn.

I jumped down the hole and barely pulled out my shield in time as three deku nuts pounded against it and ricocheted off it. Duran yelled, " 3 1 2!" I listened to his advice and defeated the deku scrubs in that order. Two were paralyzed by there own deku nuts, and one ran. I grabbed it and it yelped out a bunch of tips on how to defeat their Queen.

I walked through the door and was taken by surprise by the huge-ass spider Gohma as she dropped down infront of me. I stumbled but quickly regained my composure and tossed a deku nut at her. She froze, and in her paralysis she watched as I hacked into her. She climbed backed up, spindly legs moving creepily across the walls. She let out an eerie wail and three eggs dropped down. I splattered them easily and ran back as the collosal armored arachnid came back down. I wasn't fast enough and it knocked me down. I got up and back flipped to avoid it's next incoming attack. I slammed another deku nut at her and was once again rewarded with the freedom to hack into her. This was repeated many times before the battle was over.

Gasping for air and grievously injured, I walked towards the heart container and grabbed it. I felt fully rejuvanated, and tougher to boot! I heard a frightened voice say," Is it over yet?" I said tiredly," Yep."

Duran came out of my cap and said, "Well your lucky I was their to stop that thing!"

I laughed and said,"Right, Duran."


	3. Meeting up with Old Friends

feey : Yes, lets all have a moment of silence for poor Kyle having to deal with that terrible green pest, and if you keep up the good work on Past Experiences I'll keep up on this!

And now w/o further adiu: Meeting with old Friends

"Step into the light," Said Duran.'God he makes it sound like I'm dying or something!' I thought as I walked forward into the blue light and was whisked away.

When I could see again I was standing infront of the Deku Tree. I saw fairies dancing off in the distance, and one red faery headed towards the Kokiri Forest.

Then that behemoth of a tree went on another of his long boring rants. I sighed and rolled my eyes.

" Well done, Kyle! I knew ye were worthy of carrying out my wishes. A wicked man of a different dimension cast this dreadful curse on me. Employing his vile sorcerous energies, the evil one is searching to use the divine relic, the Triforce, to connect this realm to his so that the evil fanfic writers shudders can be free to alter and twist our land. Thou must ne-"

It was at that point I nodded off into sleep. I awoke to the last part of the speech. The sun was already setting!

" Go to the Hyrule Castle with the other two chosen for the task, and bring this stone to the Princess Zelda."

" Wait! What other two? What did I miss!"

The tree started to die. "DAMN YOU!" I screamed as I kicked the tree. My kick shook the tree and I yelled as something hard fell and hit my head! I saw purple duckies flapping around. I grumbled and looked to see what had assaulted me. It turned out to be an emerald of breath takingly beautiful qualities. I growled at it.

" oooh, shiny," said a captivated voice. I looked to see Duran floating about.

" Hey! Stay away from the Kokiri's Emerald! And where were you during the Deku Tree's speach! No doubt sleeping!" I said.

Duran responded," What are you, my wife! It was a nice sleep ... but I was rudely awakened, thanks to your stupidity!"

" I didn't do anything!" I exclaimed.

" Yeah, whatever lumpy, " He stated. At that I self consciously positioned my cap over the bump on my head.

I grumbled and said," C'mon, let's go back to the village!" I walked back to the village and was given a warm welcome by that Kokiri dweeb, Mido.

" Hey what did you do to the great Deku Tree!" he screeched.

" It seems he finally bored himself to death with one of hisstupid rants."

He looked dumbfounded. I then said," Well seeing as I don't have the years required to wait for you to think of a response, I'll be going now." And with that I walked through the town until I saw a sign that said,' Sleep-House, home for the mentally deranged.'

" Now that's my kind of place," I said as I entered it, looking around for the two 'sick' Kokiri that Saria was talking about.

That's when a kid ran up to me,strangely wearing a red tunic,and said," Kyle! Finally another person I recognize!"

Duran came out of my cap, knocking it off as he did laughing about something or another.

" Oh my god! What in the deep pits of hell is THAT!" Yelled the kid extremely loud.

" What!" I said, panicking and drawing my sword.

"On your head!" he exclaimed, I heard Duran in a mad fit of giggles...man i'm gonna murder that fairy!

Then off to my side I saw a psychotic looking Kokiri point at my head and scream," Demon! Demon! DEMON!"

Before I could say anything he screamed in a rabid frenzy, " You won't get me this time! The power of the magical chicken fajita is on MY side!"

And before anyone had time to do anything he hurled himself out a window, cackling all the way! " Oh shit!" I said," I hope he's okay!"

The kid I know recognized as my friend Richard laughed and said," He will be, don't worry." and then with a mischievous smile he pointed at my head and said," You better cap that!"

" Right," I said with a sheepish grin while I put on my cap.

" So what have you been doing during your lovely stay here?"

I replied," Well it hasn't been exactly what you'd call pleasant..."

" Figures." He said.

So then I explained it all..." Well," Richard said," I have a feeling the other chosen person orwhatever is Joe."

" Well he _was_ here with me! Richard said.

" Where is he now?" I asked excitedly.

" Playing in the Lost Woods with that green-haired weirdo." He replied.

" What are you waiting for! Let's go get him!" I exclaimed while grabbing his wrist and making a mad dash for the woods.

That's when I accidently ran squarely into Joe. " Ow! Watch where your going!" He yelled. Richard wasn't so lucky.

" Hey you freak! Where do you get off running into people? She yelled as she kicked him in the shin.

" Youch! Where do you get off kicking people!" He yelled back, his trademark temper flaring!

I helped Joe up, and said," Are you okay?"

He dusted dirt off his blue( once again I was surprised) tunic and said," Yeah, Saria, are you okay?"

She said," Now that I'm not being rammed by some stupid oaf, yes." She shot.

Richard said," Okay, we found Joe, now let's leave this snotty-haired girl and be off."

" Hmph. Yes, please leave," she said, glaring furiously at Richard. Man, if looks could kill, I know one certain hot-headed friend of mine would be six feet under already!

" And her even snottier personality," He grumbled to himself.

" I heard that!" She yelled.

" Whoa people, come on it was an accident. We can settle our differences later, okay?" Joe said, interrupting their little squable.

" Whatever..." He said.

" Alright, if you say so Joe( hey! that rhymed! Teehee!)," she said, noticeably softening.

Joe said with a smile," So."

( The next morning, after a good night's rest)

" Okay you guys need some gear." I stated.

" I already got a sword," Said Joe.

" How did you know where to get it?" I asked, flabbergasted.

" Some HORRIBLE blue ball of light named navy or something said she was my fairy, and in a voice that made me wanna grind my eardrums against a cheesegrader, told me where to get the sword!" Said Joe.

" Okay, well go buy a shield then...buy one for Richard too..." I said a little dazed from the terrible memory of how much agony that fairies voice could put one in...

" Okay, tell me if that wretched fairy comes back from talking to that tree or whatever." And with that, he was off.

Richard said," Where's my faery? I saw her go off with some green fairy while we were talking. Her name is Frenette, and she has had too much sugar or pixie sticks or whatever the hell those faery bastards use to get hyper. All I know is if she was human she'd need some medication!

I laughed and said," Well we're here. Crawl through this hole and find a chest and it'll have your sword," I instructed.

" But it's so dirty," He complained.

" Oh just shove yourself through the hole and pull out that sword!" I exclaimed.

He laughed and said as he started crawling through," That's what she said!"Damn him! I'll get him back for that!

When he came out he said," WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME!"

" Of what! You mean the evergoing evil boulder of doom?" I exclaimed.

" NO! worse then that! The horribly loud jingle that plays when you open the chest and get the sword! I shat myself twice!" He rambled, absolutely terrified, shaking to his very core.

I laughed at him knowing all to well what he was talking about! I was surprised when my laughter was joined by two others. I turned to see a red faery and Duran.

" Damn it! I thought you left for good!" Said Richard.

The red faery(Frenette) responded," Why would I ever do that Richie-Poo?" She then proceeded to, to my annoyance, giggle hysterically, fits of laughter bubbling out of her until I thought she'd stop breathing. Duran zoomed hurriedly towards my cap.

Richard grumbled and we met up with Joe, who had found Navi, unfortunately. We got our shields and were on our way to the bridge that leads out of the forest. We all had a bottle of apple-cider( Joe's treat), and this time kept the bottles.

" HEY, LISTEN!" Screamed Navi. Even the other faeries visibly cringed.

" You need to visit Hyrule Castle!" Sreeched that wretched orb.

" WE KNOW NAVI!" Yelled everyone.

Author's Note: How'd ya like it? There's no way I'm gonna control six characters at once throughout the whole story, so sooner or later they're gonna have to go their seperate ways temporarily(tear). Please review, I wanna now if you thought it rocked, or if you thought it the only use for it was to print it up, put it in the bathroom, and use it on the day you run out of TP! REVIEW DAMMIT!


	4. Insane Days

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII"""""""""""MMMMMMMMMMMM BBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!

Thanks to all who stuck with me, and to Feey for slapping me and screaming at me to write the next chapter!

And now to thank my awesome reviewers!

Feey: I pity me and my friends too!

AncientDirgeDragon: Thank you, I hope this chapter makes you shit yourself with laughter to!

Vivian Remora: Your wish is granted, and I always love new reviewers!

Oh, and by the way, i am going to make the story more original now so that it's not a long walkthrough! And I will not go through dungeons step by step anymore! Why? Because I am lazy and you'd probably like it more! So sue me! Oh, and I don't own Zelda blah blah blah...

And now, the long awaited, Chapter 4, Insane Days (and wait for this chapter lol)

We stepped on the bridge and saw a familiar looking green-haired girl. She was sobbing hysterically. I heard Richard groan loudly.

She said," So you and Joe are leaving?"

Richard opened his mouth but I swiftly said something before him," Uh...yep! Well see ya then!"

She threw an ocarina at Joe and shrieked," Here! Take it!" And with that she screamed," I hate my life!" and nose dived off the bridge!

"HOLY SHIT!" Joe yelled as everyone ran to look over the bridge!

"IS SHE OKAY!" I yelled frantically.

We saw her hand lift up and heard a mumble,"I'll be fine...can someone find me one of those magic forest mushrooms?"

"Unfortunately, yes, she is." Duran said.

That's when I pulled a Link and just ran for it! The others soon caught up. As we rounded the corner I heard a yell from behind me! I barely managed to dodge from under a huge bird that fell from the sky!

"Oh God! You killed Kaepora Gaebora!" I yelled.

" I panicked! It hooted at me and turned it's head around like the exorcist girl! So I threw a rock at it!" Richard explained frantically.

Joe said," Mr.Gay-boring isn't important or anything right!"

I sighed," No but we will have to do alot of climbing though..."

" What the hell were you thinking!" Joe yelled, pointing an accusatory finger at Richard.

" Hey! It's not my fault that exorcist chicken from hell caught me after that crazy girl leaped off the bridge!" Screamed Richard.

Before Joe could retort I said," Hey! Let's not argue! I swear you guys have the minds of ten-year olds too! We should give him a burial and leave!"

Joe said," Hey! We don't have a shovel! How would we bury him here!"

Then Navi got excited and said," Hey! Listen! We have to get to the castle!"

"SHUTUP!" Said everyone.

"We'll do it at the castle," I said, and with that we hoisted the owl and toted him off.

Later that day...

"RICHARD HURRY!" I yelled as I cut skeleton across the spine between it's ribs and hips, effectively cleaving it in half.

Joe knocked a stalchild down with his shield and stabbed it, and we watched as it erupted in blue flames and died.

Richard yelled," I got it!" as flames erupted from under his hands and all the stalchildren quickly retreated from the light.

"Man I'm hungry," said Joe. Richard stared devilishly at the big owl...

The next morning we awoke to the clinking of a drawbridge, some smoldering coals, and most of all, Frenette's horrible shrieking of " Wake up sleepy-heads!" over and over.

I groaned and swatted at the accursed red faery."Man, I'm still hungry..."

Richard grinned and said," I bet you wish I killed two bird's with one stone, eh?"

We all groaned at his lame joke and Joe looked starved, because he refused to eat the owl, so he ate a small rabbit I got for him with my slingshot.

We walked across the bridge and Joe exclaimed," Why did they close the bridge on us last night anyways!"

" Because you're stupid!" Duran yelled.

" Shutup! You're stupid, and you disgrace the color green!" I shot at him.

" Hey! I didn't choose to be green! And you're the one wearing a green skirt!"

" It's a tunic!" I exclaimed.

" Yeah whatever Peter Pan," Duran said.

I groaned while my friends laughed and we all went in the city. We walked into a place full of jars and a guard.

" What are you doing?" The guard questioning.

" Robbing you blind, trashing your place, and laughing at you," I stated bluntly.

He looked shocked for a second, and then said," You are funny," and put his helmet's face shield over his eyes. We heard the sound of snoring and we persisted to do all that I had just said!

As we exited we heard," What the? MEDDLING KIDS!"

We laughed and I thought that if I had a Scooby snack I'd eat it right now!

We entered the market and were all in awe! "Man this place is big!" Joe said.

There were some weirdos dancing, people noisily shopping, and a girl chasing cuccos. She ran buy and Joe and I gasped as we saw her trip and face plant! We lookrd over to see Richard's foot sticking out!

Joe yelled," That's horrible!" and Richard just chuckled as we entered a shop. A big hairy man said, " 'an I do somethin' fer ya?"

Joe said," Yeah, can you point me to the nearest Taco Bell, I'm starving!"

The man looked confused and said," Sorry I don't know what yer talkin' 'bout!"

Joe said "oh, in that case I'll have a Hylian Shield!"

While he was buying me and Richard went toward's the castle and met a red head named...Malon. She thought we were cool until Joe showed up and she shrieked and ran saying something about his skin!

" What a racist butthole!" Joe said.

I said," Well you have got to be the only Puerto Rican here!"

He said, " You got a good point, but for once I wished we were takin' to a world of Puerto Ricans so everyone will run from you Irish folk!"

We laughed and talked while we climbed the vines, and we finally got to the place where Talon was resting. " Who's the hick Richard said.

" Talon," I said as i nudged him.

He got up and said," Howdy y'all! How's it go-...wait? What time is it? Aw no Malon's gonna kill me!" and with that he ran for the hills!

"That guy's nuts!" Said Joe.

" I know," I said as we pilfered the crates for milk, then pushed the crate in the water and went in the castle. We tried our way through the castle quite stealthily until we ran into a familiar looking psycho crouching behind some bushes! He looked at me with a twisted smile and said," Now I shall have my revenge!" as he jousted a finger towards a guard.

"No! No! Don't!" I pleaded.

" Well that's too damn bad Grandpa!" he said. Our looks of confusion at his last statement quickly changed to looks of terror as we heard hysterical yells for the guards!

They ran over and the crazy guy screamed," I told you the Power of the Magic Fajita is on MY side now!" And with large, maniacal fits of cackles he dived out a window and we heard a resounding splash.

" RUN!" I yelled and we dodged the guards and ran to Zelda's garden, and Zelda demanded the guards to stop and us to explain ourselves.

After much talk the guards left and she said," Well then! What are your names?" She cut us off and said," Well I'm Zelda! And eeewww! You're clothes are dirty! Why would the gods send but filthy peasants to save my Kingdom!"

"Hey!" Richard yelled, astounded.

" Oh well, because of some crazy dream I had I will assume you are the Hero of Forest," She pointed at me, " You are the Hero of Water," She pointed at Joe, " And you are the Hero of Fire!" She pointed at Richard.

" Um, yes Princess Zernoff, that's all good, but why are we here?" Richard interjected.

"ZELDA!" she yelled, " And you filthy peasants are to save Hyrule from a twisted fanfic writer!" She pointed at us with the utmost disdain. " And you are all to gather the sacred jewels ( At this we quietly snickered) and bring them to the Temple of Time to open the gate to the Golden Realm and grab the Triforce and banish Evil Fanfic forever!"

" Um excuse me but what is this Fanfic Writer's name?" I asked.

" I've got to go now, Impa, show them the way out," She said as she walked through a door.

I ran and banged on the door screaming," DAMN IT! Why can't we ever know these things?" as Impa pulled me off.

On the way out of the castle she taught us Zelda's Lullaby and then we trailed behind to talk amongst ourselves.

" That Zelda girl is really wacked!" Richard said.

" Yeah I know! She's as crazy as the Fajita Dude!"

We watched as the three different colored fairies talked amongst each other and I said," Don't you think so, Joe?"

He stared off into the distance dreamily, and said," Huh? What? Oh yeah, she is pretty hot isn't she?"

"JOE!" We all shouted.

Author's note: If you liked it, review it, if it makes you wanna sell any personal info about me you can get to Michael Jackson because you hated it so much, tell me so!


	5. Joe's Quest

Hopeless Maiden: You might like this chapter...

Vivian Remora: I don't care how hyper you are, just keep reviewing! Now go eat a pixie stick( Duran cringes at the word pixie)!

Forever Exile: Lol, funny! Keep sending those good long reviews!

lalalalala2: Thank you!

feey: Hopefully this one isn't as messy... and yes I do have an insane take on Zelda don't I? D

Author's note: Yes! More reviewers! I shall take over the world! Ahem... I mean, enjoy the chapter!

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Joe's Quest

We came into the field that was just outside the castle, and Impa started talking.

" Now then heroes, you must, as you already know, go in search of the Royal Family's Jewels ( we once again snickered, and she glared but continued on); and you guys already found one of them. Of the next two, the Sacred Jewel of Fire is located at Death Mountain," She said as she pointed in the direction ," And the Sacred Jewel of Water Is located at the Zora's Domain," said she as she turned and pointed in the new direction." Now I must go!'

And with that she threw a smoke bomb at the ground, but it bounced up pathetically and didn't go off. She didn't seem to notice though and ran off at full speed.

" Very stealthy and Ninja like," Duran's voice pierced the astonished silence, dripping with sarcasm. We laughed and started to talk amongst ourselves.

" So which Jewel are we going to hit up first?" Asked Joe.

" I don't know! You guys decide!" I exclaimed.

" Dude! Kyle! Joe! I got an idea! How 'bout we split up and all do a different temple and get them all done quickly!" Said Richard.

" Hmmm...sounds good but there are only three of us and two temple..." Pondered Joe.

" I can stay here!" I exclaimed.

" You lazy ass bum! You think tha-" Richard started to say.

" No wait! I can explain! Since I already got one Jewel on my own, you guys can collect the rest!" I said, cutting Richard off.

" uhh...Okay." said Richard.

" Sure!" Said Joe.

_And so they left, and they all parted there seperate ways, weepy eyed with tears._

"NOT TRUE!" Yelled Joe.

_Yes it is._

"Who are you?"Joe yelled.

" What are you yelling at?" Said Duran, who went with Joe and Navi so he wouldn't sit a week with Kyle.

" That voice! Didn't you hear it too?" said Joe frantically.

" Uh...no." As Duran said this he flew a little farther from Joe, eyeing him like he was crazy!

"Ugh!" said Joe.

They soon aproached a fence with a blubbery fish creature sloppily gobbling up beans in front of it. " Aaahhh! What the hell are you?" Joe yelled.

" I a Zora!" The fat creature bellowed retardedly, between some chewing.

" Oh...um... can you let me through the fence?" Asked Joe.

" Wanna buy some beans?" The Zora yelled, thrusting a half eaten bean towards Joe, who panicked and stepped backwards, plummeting towards the cold water!

A little while of swimming later, Joe pulled himself ashore. "You idiot!" Duran yelled.

"grrr..." Joe growled angrily, igmoring Duran's teasing. He walked a ways upriver when he saw a interesting creature.

" Awww...a octopus! How cute! Oh look! It's making kissing motions at me!" Joe then started talking in baby talk and making kissing motions at it.

"OW MY BALLS!" Joe screamed as a perfectly aimed rock was shot at him! As he rolled on the ground in pain, more and more rocks kept pelting him, and he yelled in pain!

He got up and ran for it, Duran out of breathe and laughing silently, tears would have been streaming down his face if he were human!

Joe got to the Zora Domain entrance, and after some thinking he whistled the Royal Family's tune and went in. He saw a sign that said 'NO FISHING!' and so naturally he pulled out a fishing rod!

After some time he caught a fish and bottled it. He then began fishing again.

"Youch! Oh shit that hurts!" Yelled a angry male Zora, caught on Joe's fish hook! "You bastard! Can you read!" The Zora yelled.

" I am terribly sorry!" Said Joe, truthfully and with the utmost sorrow in his eyes.

" I'LL KILL YOU!" Screamed the Zora as he began pummeling poor Joe.

Joe was thoroughly bruised during the beating, he was having the most miserable day of his life. Nothing could make it worse for him.

"HEY LISTEN!" Screeched Navi's wretched voice," WE HAVE TO GET TO THE CASTLE!"

Well...almost nothing. All Duran heard was a swish, plunk, and a splash before he saw Navi in a bottle floating in the water. Duran gulped and said nothing as they left for a shop.

" Hmmm...I don't remember making those tunics in child size..." Mumbled the shop keeper.

"What?" Joe asked.

"Huh? Oh, I said welcome to my shop!" said the Zora.

"uh..okay, can I buy a scale and some fish and produce?" Joe questioned.

"Sure! That would be 900 hundred rupees!"

"Crap! I don't have that..."

"Well you can sell something to us or the beggars..."

"Hmmm...can I sell you a green fairy in good condition? It heals magic once a day when your out!"Joe asked hopefully.

"Hey!" Duran yelled.

"Sorry, we don't buy fairies that already have owners."

"Dang..."

And so Joe went to look for a beggar, Kyle once said beggars in this game were actually really rich!

He found one, slapping his knees like a moron, and Joe said," I'll sell you a fish for money."

The beggar said,"Alright, I'll give you a measly six hundred for it!"

And Joe walked off and bought the stuff he wanted.

So Joe and Duran traveled towards the King's room, admiring the beautiful sparkling water, and the happy Zora.

They got to the sign that said 'The Throne Room' and Duran hoped that the King wasn't fat and retarded like the bean seller.

Well the godesses heard his hope and granted it. The King was not fat and retarded, he was _far_ beyond that!

"HOLY SHIT, JABBA THE HUTT!" Joe screamed in horror, backing up against a wall. Duran shrieked and hid in Joe's hat.And Jabba the Hutt _was_ the closest thing resembling the King!

"What is the meaning of this?" The fat creature said, it's chins hiding where it's mouth was, Joe cringed.

"Umm...I am here to acquire the Zora's sapphire." Joe stated.

The King broke out in hideous fits of laughter, it was a sickening sight. " I'll tell you what, if you bring me back my daughter, Ruto, It's yours." And with that, the pile of lard started moving to the side. It was the most grotesque thing Joe had ever witnessed. With each scoot, the King's rolls jiggled from side to side, the King huffing the whole way. After a while the King started sweating, and it all pooled between his layers of flab. Joe puked what little was in his stomach into the water.

After what seemed like hours, Joe just took a nap.

Joe got up the next morning and the King was just getting done! Joe moved past and came to lord Jabu Jabu, who was looking friendly.

"Hey there!" Joe said, patting his snout. "Can I get in?" And sure enough the whale opened up and Joe went inside. It was really dark. Joe shook out his cap and Duran fell out, and viridian light flooded the room. "Much better," Joe said.

Duran grumbled sleepily and they continued on. They saw a uvela like thing hanging from Jabu Jabu's throat, right before a door.

"What do I do now?" Joe asked himself. After a while of boredom, he threw a rock and it hit it. To his surprise, the door opened.

"Yes!" Said Joe as he continued on. Up a head he saw some jelly fish floating in the air, drifting towards him. "Hah!" Joe yelled as his sword flew into a vertical strike, arcing done on an unsuspecting jelly fish! BZZZZZZZT! "OW! OH MY GOD THAT SHOCKS!" Joe screamed as he was convulsing, waves of electricity jolting him! He finally managed to get away, running from a crowd of angry jelly fish!

They chased him and he fell through a hole in the ground, and was in a room full of bubbles! 'Oh good, just a bunch of floating bubbles...' Joe thought. It was not long before they were ramming him too! He swiped at them with his sword, and his blade connected with a couple, popping them, the rest scurried off!

He saw a wooden chest, and so he opened it, and inside was a well crafted boomerang.

"Sweet! I finally have a ranged weapon!" Joe exclaimed.

They went into the next room and Joe saw something truly gross...

" Oh my god that looks like a.. a...a..." He couldn't say it...it was too funny!

It surged down and started thrashing into him! " Ow! Ow! I can't believe I am being smacked around by a giant...giant..." He said, and Duran couldn't tell if he was screaming in laughter or pain! Finally Joe got it together and threw his boomerang at it, it missed and came back. Joe rolled under when of it's swipe's and threw his boomerang again, and it cut into the...the...thing.

He rushed to grab his fallen boomerang, jumped back away from an attack and chucked his boomerang again. It completely cut the bottom hanging part off!

Joe wiped the sweat from his forehead and went to drink some cool refreshing Lon Lon Milk.

Duran then said," Man I can't believe you just circumsised a giant-" Duran didn't even get to finish his sentence before milk was squirting out of Joe's nose!

Joe kept laughing as he walked through a now opened passageway. He walked in and saw a bigger version of the octorok that got him earlier. "I'll get my revenge for what your little buddy did to me yesterday!" Joe yelled as he pulled out sword and shield and charged.

The Bigocto started running around a spiky platform away from Joe, and Joe pursued it, Duran bobbing after him. Joe was frustrated because he was just out of reach. He chucked his boomerang at it in frustration and to his surprise it hit this green opening on it's back and it sat stunned! He ran up and hacked into it, and it turned around and chased him. He was again outran it and ended up at it's back end. After stunning it he sliced it, and it turned and went after him, but Joe in his panic hit the spiked pillar in the middle of the room and it pierced his arm! He screamed in pain, but the Bigocto in it's rage rushed right past! Joe ran up to his back, and swung at it with his boomerang in hand, and after his boomerang hit it( sending trembles up his arm) he pulled out his sword and hacked into it!

It roared and turned and trampled him, and Joe took after it, and after delivering a final stab, they both colapsed on the ground, Joe gasping for breath and Lon Lon Milk, the Octorok gasping for it's last breath.

Joe got up and walked through the door, and saw a lot of jelly fish sleeping. Joe thought, 'I'll just sneak past them and make it to the last door...'. Just then he heard Duran giggle and shout,"HEY JELLY FISH! FOOOOOD!"

The jelly fish perked up, and eyed Joe, who was currently trying to kill Duran, who was flying higher then he could reach!

They all came and mobbed him! Joe yelled and fended them off with his boomerang, and when they were all dead he furiously attempted to kill Duran!

After a while he gave up," You stay with Kyle from now on you crazy bastard!" he yelled at Duran as he went through some doors.

There were two people in the room, they didn't seem to notice Joe.

" I love you, Link."

" I love you too, Ruto." The boy was about to lean in for a kiss when-

"FREAKING YUCK!" Joe yelled," What the hell are you doing! She's a fish! And why aren't you running around doing all the hero's work!" Joe yelled, repulsed.

"Um...oh...well...another guy said he'd be the hero of time..." Link quivered, looking ashamed.

"TRIFORCE OF COURAGE MY ASS!" Joe yelled," If you hadn't stopped doing your job, I would probably be at home eating potato chips right now!"  
Link bowed his head. Ruto said," Please don't tell dad...I'll give you the Zora's Sapphire..."

Joe thought hard, and came to a conclusion. "Deal."

So Joe grabbed the Sapphire. "I guess I better get going now..." Link said, shifting from foot to foot nervously.

"Oh no fishlips! You're coming with us!" Joe said.

So they left, and when Joe saw the King on the way out he said he couldn't find her.

They were on there way out when Joe fell down a hole. Inside there was a beautiful area, and Joe heard a voice through the darkness.

"I've been waiting for you, Joe."

Up above Link was calling out Joe and Duran's names, frantically searching for where they had gone.

**Author's Note: My first cliffie! Yay! Tell me if you liked it or not. I want to know! Or don't tell me...more liver for me...(cackles evilly) J/K**


	6. Richard's Quest

Author's note: Ahhh...the smell of a fresh chapter...sorry for taking so long to update! My keyboard broke! Ya I know I know, your probably like, " Ya right Justin, nice excuse, but we all know you were sitting on your lazy ass playing the Wind Waker, and your story sucks!" Well you know something? YOU SUCK! Anyways time to answer my pleasingly numerous reviews ( I didn't get as much livers though... Oh well!).

**Hopeless Maiden: **Hey, you got your wish for Link, didn't you? cackles evilly. Your story is good, update it soon!

**Vivian Remora: **Dodges swinging bat Calm down! LOL! You get to see what happens finally! By the way, I love your name, it sticks in my head lol!

**Feey:** Yes, we all pity Joe. I share your hatred for the jelly fish! Keep reviewing!

**Lalalalala2:** Thank you! And you find out today! And I have a question for you! Points at screen retardedly and then realises you can't see me... is there a lalalalala1?

**Blondie91: **Yes...the good crude humor...keep reviewing!

**Raging-Mongoose: **Gets out electric thingies CLEAR! Okay, now that your heart is working, you can keep sending your awesome reviews!

**Sabaal:** YES! A FELLOW LEPRECHAUN!

**EJ Amber: **Thank you! Your story's one of my favorites too! It could've worked out if you didn't review too... Eyes jar with a random non-reviewer's floating pickled liver in it

Now! On to the much awaited story!

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**Richard's Quest**

Joe spun and looked to see where the voice was emanating from. He then saw the ugliest thing he had every layed eyes on! The King Zora would've shrieked! It was a hideous Great Fairy!

She was clad in...um... vines...and as Joe stared in fright as it spun around and cackled, not aware of how repulsing it's naked body was!

Duran squeeled, " AH! POINTY LADY!" and dove for Joe's blue cap!

Joe tentively stepped forward and asked," Uh, yah, well I fell in here by accident, do you, um, know a way out?"

"Nonsense!" said it's retched voice," You came here seeking my magical help!"

" Well...actually I-" Joe started.

" Well then! I will give you the spell Nayru's Love!" The Fairy spouted out," Now try it out!"

" Sure, why not?" Joe said as a blue crystalline shield surrounded him. A boulder fell from the ceiling and bounced off his shield, which flickered and dissapeared, due to his little amount of magic.

" Cool! Now Kyle's mom can't nag me about not having protection!" Joe said, jokingly while Duran looked grossed out!

_meanwhile..._

Kyle was playing a cucco game at Talon's ranch when he felt a strange disturbance in the Force...

" It's as if a million voices cried out in terror...and then, suddenly, silence..." Kyle mumbled to himself. He then concluded that either Alderaan got blown up or the people reading this story cried out in disgust at Joe's joke and immediately stopped reading the story.

"DAMN YOU JOE!" Kyle screamed as he realised his cucco catching time was over!

_Anyways, back to Joe_

"Did you hear someone say my name, Duran?" Joe inquired as he pulled himself out of the hole he fell into.

" No, I think you belong in the sleep house with the crazy fajita dude back in the Kokiri Forest!" Duran said, as Joe attacked him with wide sweeping swipes.

Joe stopped. "Where's Link?" Joe said. Duran had an I don't know look about his green glow. Joe yelled,"That cowardly, yellow bellied, mother-

_A while earlier, right as Joe was getting to the bean dude_

Richard was just arriving to the happy little village of Kakariko, when he set his eyes on the biggest, juiciest cucco he had ever seen! He pulled out his sword, ready to get dinner. He inched forward carefully, and then lunged!

His sword arced vertically towards the plump cucco, and it connected, slicing it's head clean off! The cucco, despite this, ran around flapping like a lunatic!

Richard went over to collect his dinner, and just as he picked it up, and gargantuan white flurry of feathers came rushing at him, pecking and clawing ferociusly!

Richard yelled and ran for the nearest shop, barely making it in on time! Gasping for air he heard a voice talking to him.

That voice was coming from a redish pink faery that was very frenetic. Infact, it's name was Frenette...

" Tee-hee! I would call you chicken, but it seems that would be a little to high ranking for you!" Frenette squeeled.

" Why you unhelpful piece of crap faery I'll tear your wings off!" Richard yelled barbarically!

" Now now! No need to get angry, silly goose!" Frenette squeeled, in her horrible voice.

"I swear, if you call me silly goose one more time-" Richard started.

" Hoy there! Care ter buy anythin'? Or are ya jus' window shoppin'?" said the shopkeeper.

"Ya, I would like to buy a vowel, or any letter for that matter, so that I could understand you!" Richard replied angrily, though the memory of the wheel of fortune made him homesick.

Not seeming to get that he was insulting his speech impediment, the shopkeeper said," Sorry, we don' sell those! Care ter buy anythin' else?"

"No...I was just leaving," he said as he crept towards the door.

The shopkeeper, already bewildered by the scratched up boy in the red tunic, who ran in screaming at a faery and groping a bloody chicken, was glad he was leaving.

Richard walked up to the gate guard and said," Can I go up to Death Mountain?" And after the guard laughed himself to tears he replied,"No. I think I hear your mum calling, so be a good boy and go home!"

" Hey! Look a Keaton!" Richard shrieked pointing at an area far to the guards left.

As the guard looked over, Richard vanished through the gates, chuckling to himself.

He spent a long time fighting through some giant spiders, and then stopped infront of a huge cave blocked by a boulder to roast his chicken.

As he threw some spare vegetables on the chicken and was about to bite into it, he saw a huge rock rolling down the mountain towards him! He soon realised it was a living creature and it was coming at him at a high speed!

It stopped just short of him and there was an earsplitting explosion!

"OH GOD!" Richard screamed as he choked on a greasy chunk of chicken and dove for a safer place!

" Oh, didn't mean to startle you!" The creature said," I'm trying to remove this boulder from our food cave...I'm so hungry..." It moaned.

"DON'T EAT ME!" Richard screamed as he spat out his chicken.

"AHHHH!" Richard shrieked as he sprinted up the mountain away from the rock creature.

He made it up the hill and into a cave which led to a city, to his astonishment.

He went down and saw a place mat infront of a door, and after a while he realised he needed to whistle the royal song.

The door opened and he stepped in. Right as the door locked behind him, he realised he was stuck in a room with one of those rock creatures, and it looked mighty grumpy...

"Your one of those...hungry man eating beasts!" Richard let out, backing up against a wall.

"Well actually we eat rocks( Richard relaxed and let out a sigh of relief), I am Darunia, and we are called Gorons. I am named after a great Goron hero who..."

He then went on to talk about Goron history, cheering himself up with his own history talk! He never noticed as Richard drifted off into a deep slumber...

When Richard woke up, he was just getting finished. " And that is how we got to our current state...curse fanfic writers...anyways, I have a reward for anyone who saves our food supply."

Richard perked up," Oh? And what is that?"

" The Goron Ruby!" Darunia replied.

"YAY! I'll be off then!" Richard said as he and his faery walked out.

"Atleast we got a nap out of his long, droning, monotonous speech!" Said Richard.

" Hee hee! I think he was nice! You silly goose!" Frenette said.

" Ya right...Gorons? More like Borons...Hey, wait a minute! Don't call me silly goose!" Richard roared, furiously trying to grab Frenette.

_Meanwhile, back at Kakariko gates..._

" I don't see a keaton, what are you talking about?" The guard gate said after an hour. He looked around. " Little kid? HEY! WHERE'D YOU GO!" He shouted.

_Anyways..._

Richard was trying to run the bomb plants down to the rocks, but hasn't made it in time yet. " Urg... I hate this!" He said as he was nearly engulfed in another firey explosion.

" Ha ha! You got blown up, silly!" Shrieked Frenette.

" Why you...you...ARR! I'LL BLOW YOU UP!" Richard said in frustration. He then chased after the laughing faerie with a bomb plant, and as the reddish-pink orb flew over the edge of the cliff facing the boulder and Richard just short of jumping off after it, thought better of it and hurled the bomb after it!

He temporarily forgot his anger as the boulder blew up and a fragment of it almost hit him in the face! Frenette, laughing and bobbing around, went back to Richard, who grumbled and then proceeded to enter the cave.

After some time , and after almost falling into to lava in a couple of areas, he made it to an area with some torches and fire breathing dodongos. He sweated and crept forward, anticipating an attack at any moment. He snuck behind a dodongo, ready to strike. Right before he struck, Frenette screamed," SILLY GOOSE!"

The dodongo turned and breathed fire, Richard barely dodging! "DAMN YOU!" He screamed as he swung for Frenette in anger! He missed, barely, and hit a flaming torch, which broke, splashing oil and fire all over his sword, igniting it!

He turned, sword ablazing, and instead focused his attention on the dodongo, which let out a blast of fire and Richard braced himself...and felt as if a cool breeze had hit him?

He then remembered his red tunic, as the flames licked at him, they sort of tickled...with a laugh, he rolled and stabbed his adversary, who had a dumbfounded look on his face! He sheathed his flaming weapon when it was dead, and went into a room.

Right as he stepped in, a deku nut whizzed by his head, and he looked in bewilderment at a deku shrub! He pulled up his Hylian Shield, but the deku nuts just broke on it. After a bit of frustration, he just threw his shield at it, and to his surprise, it had hit!

He immediately ran over to the deku scrub, poised to stab, when it whimpered," Don't kill me, I'll sell you a deku stick!"

Richard stopped, still fuming, but questioned," For one, what is a shrub doing in a lava cave? And what the hell do I want a stick for?"

The plant animal thing responded, " I got stuck here on a business venture...and you need a deku stick to light the torches to open the door and continue on!"

Richard grumbled and asked," Okay then...how much will it cost?"

The shrub replied," hmmm...let me see how much you have!"

Richard pulled out three red rupees, four blue rupees, and nineteen green rupees. The deku shrub tossed the stick at him and said," Okay, that'll be sixty rupees, bye!" and then it took his red rupees!

" Hey! What that's a rip off! Give me my money back!" Richard angrily protested.

" When hell freezes over!" The deku shrub said as it dived into it's hole.

" I'LL KILL YOU!" Richard screamed, swinging his blade after the swindler!

After lighting the torches and continueing a while throughout the dungeon, Richard and Frenette made it to a bridge with some planks missing from it, and they walked across it a couple times, pondering about what to do...

" This confuses me...urg...all I wanna do is blow things up!" Richard complained

" Why don't you use your newly acquired bombs to have some fun!" Frenette suggested, hoping for some pretty explosions. Richard shrugged and started dropping some bombs at random. Frenette shrieked in delight at the fireworks and none of them noticed as the Dodongo skull opened up.

"Oh, well let's go, there is nothing else to do, let's give up." Richard said to Frenette boredly. On their way out Richard noticed the skull and said," Holy crap! I'ts open!" And with that he skipped across the lava and the Beamos, and hurriedly shuffled through the mouth, secretly scared it would snap shut on him.

After a mind straining maze with some blocks, and slashing some annoying bats, Richard made it to the boss's entrance hole. He saw two Lizalfos guarding the area.

" I don't remember Kyle telling me about this..." He mumbled. " Oh crap!" He said as he barely blocked their oncoming attacks. As he was occupied with one, the other tried to circle around to his back. He bashed one with his shield and turned and slashed the other across it's stomach. as he walked away he heard a noise and saw the remaining one get up and grab his companions sword.

" Figures..." Richard said and engaged the Lizalfos in combat. The lizards twin-blades dancing off his own shield and sword, sparks flying.

While they were locked into combat, Frenette kept cheering and shouting, " Cut his hand off! Cut his hand off!"

Richard, sweating, yelled, " Do I look like George Lucas!" and finally cut it's head off. "Bloody faerie..." He grumbled as he put his sword in it's scabbard and slung his shield on his back. He dropped into the boss area, and saw the biggest, ugliest Dodongo he had ever seen.

It roared and Richard almost crapped himself and started to run. The insideous creature rolled after him and they circled around and round the pit of lava.

It finally stopped and roared and Richard clumsily dropped a bomb! " Oh crap!" Richard yelled and juggled around the newly lit bomb.

" You clumsy, uncoordinated-" Frenette started, and Richard paniced and threw the bomb and by chance it landed in the King Dodongo's mouth.

" -Genius!" Frenette shreiked, clearly excited. Richard, who now had a plan, laughed and ignored the cool flames tickling him, but then got crushed by the rolling Dodongo!

" OW! That hurt!" Richard yelled.

After many scratches and bruises, Richard managed to bomb the creature a couple more times, and it finally fell into the lava and died.

Richard danced excitedly, and Frenette cheered as they grabbed the heart container and jumped into the red light and appeared at the entrance to dodongo cavern, where a bunch of Gorons, including Darunia were standing.

" You did it!" They exclaimed.

" For this, I make you my honorary brother, and you get the Goron's Ruby!" Darunia said as he tossed Richard the sparkling jewel.

" YOU NEED A HUG!" The Gorons yelled.

" Ummmm...I don't think I do..." Richard said backing away.

" Non sense! You need some Goron lovin'!" They said, increasing their speed.

" No! No! I don't! NOO!" Richard screamed barely avoidin their grasp.

" HUG!" They moaned.

" AAAHHHHHHH!" Richard screamed as he ran blindly up the mountain at top speed, avoiding all the random boulders that were limitless and came from no where.

He climbed up some vines and ran up next to a wall at the top. " HUUUGGG!" He heard coming from his side, and he shrieked and jumped, accidently dropping a bomb, which blew up a hole in the wall and made him scream more!

He stopped screaming when he saw Frenette next to him laughing her ass off, saying hug over and over and laughing herself into hysterics. Richard started spewing out incoherent threats, face turning a crimson red, and just before he went to lunge for the faerie, he heard a groan and saw the most gargantuan Goron he had ever seen!

He screamed himself silly and shat himself twice over once more and dove into the cave. He soon saw the ugliest, giggling creature in the world, and it was quite naked.

Yes, it was a great faerie, and it spun and said, " I will grant you the magic power Din's Fire, aren't you happy?"

He just grimaced in disgust and said," Whatever." and he sparkled and got a power. He tested it out, loosing a couple of fireballs against the cave wall and left.

What he saw when he came out was enough to make him wet his bed for many nights to come. It was Kaepora Gaebora, looking somewhat pasty!

" I-I ate you!" he stammered.

" Well I am back! NEED A RIDE?" It yelled.

"AHHH! EXORCIST OWL FROM HELL!" He yelled.

The owl started turning it's head around and around, puking on everything!

" HOOT!" It shrieked through a fresh mouth ful of puke!

" AAAAHHHHH" Richard screamed, and jumped off the mountain!

After a long fall, he landed with a thump on the roof of a house in Kakariko, and Frenette said, " Once again your defeated by a chicken, eh Richard? Richard? RICHARD? SAY SOMETHING!"

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Author's Note: Heh heh...I love cliffies...did Richard die? Well, find out next time on the next episode of... well there are no episodes are there? Oh ya, it's now time for the chapterly reading of what will happen if you don't review! Yay I love these! Okay...ahem...I you do not review, I will shove your face in your choice of either, scalding hot oil, or...SCHOOL PIZZA GREASE! Crowd draws back in horror!. Anyways, review damn it! 


	7. The Temple of Rhyme: Gangster Rap Battle

**Author's Note: **YAY! Another chapter! I hope you you guys like it! This one let's you figure out a little more of the ever alusive plot! Oh, and now to thank my reviewers, who I hope will become more plentiful...then I shall amass an army and take over the world!(cue the evil laugh) Oh...by the way...the Title has nothing to do at all with this chapter so don't get your hopes up!

**EJ Amber: **My God that was the funniest, twitchiest review I have ever read! Keep up that reviewing if you value that liver! And update your story!

**Feey: **Yes... Frenette is psychotic! Update your story too!

**lalalalala2: **I haven't gone quite by the game since chapter two, and I decided early on which characters would get which equipment and which magic. As for what you said about the magic bar, it's like the health meter; I don't speak of it because it's simply there. The amount of magic you can use is like the amount of punches you can take. In real life there is no meter. But you _did _catch me on one mistke...stupid King Dodongo...DAMN YOU!

**Sabaal: **It's chapter seven and you still haven't sent me your promised review for six! Oh well, just keep reading!

**Hannah Sievers: **Oh how I love the sound of a new reviewer...sigh...anyways, I don't want to overuse that joke, but it might make another appearance in the far future...(;

**Vivian Remora: **Ah yes...the Exorcist Owl from Hell! Poor Richard! NOT! Everyone points and laughs at him! What's that Vivi( I'm gonna call you that from now on...), I hear you don't like cliffies? Well prepare to hate this chapter! MUHAHA! Goes to hospital from severe, bat induced brain damage

Oh, and by the way, I have noticed that there might be a little name confusion about my characters, so here is a run down:

Richard: Has a large temper, brunette hair, sarcastic, and is Dutch!(tunic:Goron's)

Joe: Is relatively nice, but loves to joke around. Black hair, and has a tendency to be stupid! Oh, and he's Puerto Rican!(tunic: Zora's)

Kyle: Humorous, spontaneous and totally random! Blonde hair, blue eyes, and is really short!(tunic:Kokiri)

Frenette(redish-pink faerie): Sporadic, talks a lot of baby talk and is annoying...poor Richard.

Navi(hated blue fairy from hell): Must I explain! Owned by Joe, but currently somewhere in the water stuck in a bottle...

Duran(green fairy): Owned by Kyle, he is sarcastic, somewhat funny, and a prankster.

I hope that helps a little...now on with the story!

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"So where do you come from, fairy boy?" Malon asked.

Kyle, who had been staying at the Castle Town and the Ranch, was bored without his friends, and decided to just hang out and talk to Malon.

Malon shot him a questioning look, and Kyle pulled himself out of his thoughts and said, "Ireland." He wasn't not really from there, but since he was Irish, he thought it wouldn't confuse the Hylians, who always were confused when they asked what his race is and he said Irish, but that he came from a country called America. " Why don't they call it Americish then?" They would ask.

" Oh, and what do they do there, over in Ireland?" She asked.

They heard a door open, and a familiar voice said, "Get drunk and beat their wifes!"

" Joe! Your back! YES!" Kyle said, not even minding the comment.

After exchanging some high fives and some stories about what they did ( Joe had found Link and Ruto shiver must I go on...and Kyle had learned Farore's Wind), they went out to the ranch house to eat breakfast, Malon was shrinking back in the corner, scared of Joe!

_And so the two friends talked and shared stories, and wepted in eachothers arms, emotional from their time away from eachother..._

"WHAT THE FRUITCAKE( Censored!)!" Joe screamed. " That's it! When I find who ever telling these lies I am going to gouge a hole into their kidneys and shove burning hot coals in and then sew it up! I'LL KILL YOU!" Joe screamed in a frantic psychotic way.

Everyone was shocked and appalled. "What's gotten into you!" Kyle asked. Ingo had ran into another room, and Malon was crying in a corner.

" Didn't you guys hear that voice?" Joe asked rapidly.

" Young man, I think it's time for me to give you a talk on proper table manners!" Talon said, as he dragged Joe outside the ranch, despite his protests.

_Hee-hee-hee...ahem...so anyways...now the story shifts to Richard..._

" Richard! Are you okay?" The faerie asked," Answer me! Ahh...I guess I have no choice..." And with that, Frenette started rapidly circling Richard's comatose body, sparkles falling off rapidly.

" Uggh...what happened?" Richard asked springing to his feet.

" Frenette? Is that you?" He asked, his eyes focused on a tiny pin-point of pink light. He heard a faint but recognizable voice eminate from it.

" Yes," said Frenette," I am small because I used most my energy to save you. You were almost dead!"

" You can heal people?" Richard asked.

" Only once a week." The speck of light responded.

"Oh...cool! How did I get like this anyways?" He asked.

Feeling that he wouldn't believe her anyways, she decided not to tell the story of his funny little jump!

" Erm...I don't recall." She said.

" WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T RECALL?" He shouted (my caps lock is going to fall off one of these days...).

" It means I don't remember, silly!" Frenette said.

" Grrrr..." He reponded," I guess we should get going then..."

_Two days later._

Richard, Joe, and Kyle were all going to the castle to talk to Princess Zelda.

" What do I say? Do you think she remembers me? What if she doesn't--" Joe began.

" Relax..." Kyle said. "Just be yourself."

" The reason I'm asking you what to do is so you can tell me exactly how _NOT _to be myself!" Joe said.

" You guys, shutup! We are here! And how in god's name can you like Zelda anyways!" Richard interjected.

Joe was about to respond when Kyle said, "Ya, she's a bi-"

At that moment Zelda came out. "What were you going to say, peasant?"

Kyle fumbled around for an answer and said," Ummmm...bi...bi...bitchya didn't expect to see us coming, did you?" Kyle said this with the most convincing smile he could muster.

" Hmmmm...okay then. Did you worthless plebians manage to even touch a single jewel?" She said.

"Why yes! Yes we did! We went through many dangers, traveled through perilous-" Joe started.

" You mangy flea ball, just give them to me!" She said, greedily grabbing the jewels."Now let's go!" she commanded.

With some grumbles they made it to the Temple of Time, and right before they went in Zelda stopped them and said," I must go now, some evil fanfic writers are trying to get me. I must go into hiding."

"Oh good, I was waiting for her to go." Kyle mumbled.

"What's that, Kyle?" She said.

" I said, ' Oh shoot, I this must really blow.' " Kyle said, somewhat nervously.

" Yes it does...you guys do not appreciate the hard work of a princess...sniffle. Now Impa! Carry me to the hideout you worthless scruffy creature of the shadows." And with that, she was off.

" Oh, take this!" Impa said as she rode off. She had chucked an ocarina at us.

With these newly acquired items, we walked in. We read the inscriptions on the alter and then stood there, wondering what was going to happen(even Kyle, though he had game experience, things were obviously a little different then the game). Kyle stepped up first and laid the gleaming Kokiri Emerald on the alter. Then Richard stepped up and set down the Goron's Ruby, it's firey sparkle dancing mischieviously around the walls. Then Joe stepped up and set the sparkling Zora's Sapphire on the stand.

Everyone sat around, expecting something. But nothing happened.

"Well that's gay." Duran said.

" Maybe we put them in the wrong order?" Kyle suggested.

Then a glow emitted and the wall ahead of them was open to reveal a way to a sword that was stuck in the ground, it didn't look much like the Mastersword. They stepped forward. Kyle stepped up and pulled the sword out of the ground.

Then, all around them, a huge glow errupted. The tension was tight, and noone knew with certainty what was going to happen.

"Stop squeezing my hand!" Kyle shouted at Joe.

"Sorry!" Joe said," You know...the mounting tension and--"

"SILENCE!" Boomed a voice.

"Can everyone else hear this voice too!" Joe stammered.

"Yes!" The others said.

" I AM THE FANFIC WRITER YOU HAVE BEEN SEEKING!" The voice said.

Sure enough, they could make out a figure, that looked black because of the light all around them. They couldn't see any features on him because of this.

" AND BY OPENING THIS GATE OF TIME, YOU HAVE LEFT ME FREE TO SNATCH THE TRIFORCE, WHICH, UNDOUBTEDLY WILL SPLIT. THEN I SHALL HUNT DOWN THE PIECES AND FINALLY HAVE MY WISH OF OWNERSHIP OVER AND THEREFORE HAVE ULTIMATE POWER! (insert evil laugh here...oh my god my caps lock broke...sigh)

"Hey! We've been tricked!" Richard yelled.

But before anyone else could say anything, the sword Kyle was holding flew up and duplicated itself into four, one sword flying into the hands of every person in the room. And then everything went black.

Kyle awoke to see some fat old geezer staring down at him," Hey, what the hell?"

"Oh, sorry...I am not used to company." Said the old man.

" Where am I?" He asked, he noticed Richard and Joe getting up next to him.

Richard groaned and said," How long have I been out?"

Stifling a yawn, Joe added to the bundle of questions," Who are you?"

The old one said," You are at the Temple of Light, you've been sleeping seven years, and I am the Sage of Light, Rauru."

" Whoa, whoa, wait! HOLY CRAP I _AM_ OLDER!" Richard yelled.

After a long while of examining their bodies and getting over the astonishment, Frenette asked," What do we all have to do now? Is there more adventure! And FUN!"

"Well, you are to save the five temples of the other sages so you can free the sages, get their medallions, and use their power to launch an attack on the Evil Fanfic Writer's Fortress. The five temples are of Shadow, Spirit, Forest, Water, and Fire. I have done my best to open them up in ways so that you can do any of them in any order."

"Hold up...you're telling me that you just sat here in this room and stared at little boys for seven years!" Duran said.

"Well...I umm..." Rauru said.

" Were you ever black at any point in your life?" Richard asked.

The only people in this room who got it were the seventeen year olds.

" Ahem...anyways, I was watching over you. The Foursword is strange. If exactly four are present when it's pulled, then it distributes itself to those people. But if there are any less or more present, then it splits the one who pulled it into four personalities temporarily."

"Oh...that's weird..." Kyle said.

"Well, you guys have no time to spare, I'll tell you some advice before you depart. Always have the right equipment, and amount of food. I can see you guys are already equiped with the three different Tunics, so clothing is not so much a worry. Now be off, Heroes of Element."

All of a sudden we dissapeared and found are selves right next to the pedestal where we found the Foursword (where the Master Sword is supposed to be...maybe Link took it or something...that fishlipped coward!) .

We stepped outside the temple and what we saw shocked us all, even Kyle, who had played the Ocarina of Time.

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**Author's Note: **Ooooh...I am addicted to these lovely cliffhangers! I might not update for a little...small writers block, but you won't be waiting two months or anything. Oh ya! The chapterly threat! Review or I will skewer your pancreas, salt it, and roast it over a fire! REVIEW DAMMIT!


	8. The Shadow Temple and the creepy well

Author's Note: Okay, I know I am totally screwing with the Zelda storyline in this chapter...I am going to do things in my order! And I know certain items are needed for some temples, but just shut up! Please don't send me any reviews correcting me on these minor flaws like Temple order and etcedra! Now...sit back and enjoy the chapter...and REVIEW! And now for my reviewers...

Sabaal: Oh, believe me, Kyle was _bored_...poor Malon indeed! Oh and believe me on this to, Joe is crazy! He can here the Nararator! Plus, you'd have to be crazy to like Zelda! Yes...it was a good escape, and I am glad you like Frenette! Keep reviewing!

Vivi: (Takes roses and sells them to make money for surgery), J/K! Glad you like Richard! And the writer's block is _over_! Oh, and there is no cliffie here( or is there?)! For peace, doughnuts, and reviews!

EJ Amber: Mmmmm...pancreas...oh drool...the sweet taste of liver...(smacks self!) NO! You are keeping your story going! So I can't kill you...YET!

lalalalala2: Ah yes...the most famous quote in this story...happens _atleast _once a chapter...the famous,'DAMN YOU!' Lol! That and the DA DA DA DAA... Oh, and I steal your idea this chapter! Thank you! No refunds!

feey: Oh I know! School sucks balls! Ahem...anyways...yes I thought the Foursword idea was pretty clever too!

You know who hasn't reviewed this chapter? Hopeless Maiden! She's on vacation or some crap...I hope she comes back soon!

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The Heroes of Element (Not the clothing!) gazed out upon the horrid sight! Kyle gasped, and Joe hid his face! Richard winced and turned away. It was as if the whole world had turned upside down! It was as if-(at this point a random reviewer throws a bomb at me and screams,'CUT THE SUSPENSE!)... 

They looked out and saw the...Taco Bell Chihuahua! It looked at them and said,"Yo quiero Taco Bell," Joe shrieked and and hid for cover, Richard looked horrified and drew back.

"Dude! I think he called me queer and told me to go to Taco Bell!" Richard said angrily.

Kyle said," Hold on guys...I speak a little Hindu...I think I can translate it!"

"You dumb idiot, I speak spanish!" The Chihuahua yelled.

"Ummm...Mr.Chihuahua...can you tell us what you are doing in this game?" Joe asked.

" Ever since that Fanfic writer to control of this town, using the power of his triforce piece and his writing skills; everything's gone wrong! I am a talking Chihuahua for God's sake! Just take a look around you!" The Chihuahua yelled.

And they did take a look around, Joe spotted a girl standing on her head in the middle of the fountain...and she had three eyes! Kyle glanced over through a house window and saw a guy with a lawnmower, and he was mowing his carpet! He grinned and waved at them as if nothing was happening that was out of the ordinary!

"Oh my god!" Joe yelled,"It's as if the sky turned green!"

"Urmm...Joe. Look up." Richard said.

Joe looked up at the emerald sky and screamed!

"Well I guess there is nothing left to surprise us..." Kyle said.

"Hey punks! Stop right there!" Before they knew what to do, they were surrounded by about ten guards, all in heavy plate armor.

Richard automatically reached for his sword, Joe was getting Nayru's Love ready, and Kyle was pulling out his slingshot.

Duran said," You fools are out numbered, run!" And with that, the green ball of lights on wings flew away at top speed!

One of the guards said," Your dead now!" And then they all reached back and pulled out rubber chickens, and weilded these chickens as clubs!

"Duran had a good idea!" Richard yelped as he turned and ran. The others quickly follwed after!

"Stupid kids!" One yelled as he chased after them. Kyle recognized him as the guard that was guarding the pots full of money! The guard yelled out again," I'll get you this time!"

As they ran past a merchant stall(they were selling foot tonic...) Joe pulled his Foursword outand and smashed a barrell, and grapes fell out everywhere! The guard that was seeking revenge jumped over them and kept chasing them, but the rest slipped onto the grapes and went crashing into each other! Joe laughed because until now he thought it only worked in movies...

The Heroes quickly skipped over the gap in the broken moat, but the remaining guard growled and fell into the water, his heavy plate armor sinking him.

He frantically waved his rubber chicken and once again yelled," I'll get you meddling kids! You won't escape my clutches again!" He then sunk under the water!

This time Kyle was prepared. He pulled out a box labeled "Fairy Snax" and tossed one to Duran, who he half expected to say,'Scooby dooby doo!'

They laughed at their victory and gave eachother high fives!

"Man! That was the greatest!" Richard said,"Did you see the look on his face?"

"Oh I know! That was the greatest!" Kyle said.

Frenette interjected," Hey Richard! This time you ran away from chickens that weren't even real!" She then exploded in a mad fit of giggles.

"Worthless faerie of Satan! I'll kill you!" Richard yelled as he pulled out his Foursword and tried to smite the laughing redish pink faerie!

"Is there a story you wish to tell us about?" Joe asked.

"No! It's nothing!" Richard said, and then quickly changing the subject, he asked,"So...what temple should we do first? Should we split up or stick together?"

All eyes turned questioningly towards Kyle, who had played the game before.

"Ummm...I guess we should do the first and last temples together...and split the middle three! That way it will be even and fast!" Kyle said.

"Sounds fair..." They both said.

"I think we should do the Shadow Temple first..." Kyle said.

"Why the Shadow Temple?" Richard asked.

"Erm...no reason..." Kyle would never admit that he would be scared to go to the spooky place on his own!

"Whatever." said Joe.

"Fine." Said Richard.

"And we should do the Spirit Temple last...because it's the funnest!" Kyle exclaimed.

"If you say so..." Said Richard.

"So...who do you think should get which of the remaining three temples?" Joe asked.

Kyle was bugged by how much they relied on him for these things, but he said," Well...I guess I will do the Forest Temple, Richard...you should do the Fire Temple...since you already have experience with the Gorons(Richard looked horrified at the thought of Darunia!)...and Joe...I randomly and for no reason at all give you the horrible and much feared Water Temple! But for now we should focus on the task at hand...the Shadow Temple!"

"Hold on hold on HOLD ON! Why do I get the Water Temple?" Joe said.

"Erm...I don't know..." Kyle said.

"Oh I see! Just because my ancestors swam across the Gulf of Mexico from Puerto Ricoto get to America, I get the freaking Water temple!" Joe yelled, jokingly.

We all laughed and made our way towards Kakariko. On the way they met up with Duran, who was laughing at them for almost being clubbed to death by rubber chickens!

They made it to Kakariko faster than expected due to longer legs...but they were still out of breath.

"Man...hough...before we split...hough...we need horses..." Kyle said.

They all nodded in agreement and stepped into the village, and it was on fire! They ran forward, drawing their Fourswords! They saw a weird dude in spandex who had a cloak on his face. A black form flew out and knocked them all out before they could do anything! The last thing they saw was the weird spandex dude being slammed against the ground!

When they had awoken, Impa was standing over them, and said," Well...now that you guys are up, you can help me take care of the evil in the Shadow Temple! The seal had been broken and the dark spirit has been unleashed, and you must stop it with the eye of truth! Talk to Sheik about how to get in," as she said this she pointed to spandex boy, and everyone almost laughed.

After they got filled in some more, they went over to Sheik. Through a muffled voice, Sheik said,"You must learn the Nocturne of Shadow to enter the Temple, peasants."

"What?" Joe asked.

"I said erm...pleasant...yes the tune is quite pleasant...heh!" Sheik said.

And after some poetry and crap they learned the song.

After he was gone Richard said," I swear that guy is gay!"

"You'd be surprised..." Kyle said,"Oh, well! We should split up for a bit, I'll go get us some hookshots, Richard, you get us some potions, and Joe, you go find the Lens of Truth, It's in the town well!"

Joe grumbled and muttered, and everyone split up.

Richard was at a potions shop. He bought a couple bottles of Red Potion, and said to the shopkeeper," What's this do?" He said pointing to a bottle of green liquid.

"Oh that is green juice that heals magic...it's called Green Potion...but I call it Gruice!" And with that she burst out into loud racous laughter at her own joke...noone else in the shop laughed except Frenette!

"Lady, your freaking us out!" He said as he bought a bottlefull.

_Meanwhile, Joe was sitting and thinking about what to do..._

"It's that damn voice again! I'll get you!" Joe screamed, swinging his sword blindly, looking for whoever had said that,his swingingended up with him tripping and falling into the well! He screamed all the way down!

_He -he! Meanwhile..._

Anju was watching her chickens, which a boy, Link, had saved for her before he mysteriously dissapeared. She noticed that one of her chickens was acting strange.

"What's that Billy?" She said to the chicken,"Joe fell in the well?"

The chicken nodded it's head. "Who is Joe?" She said. She then shrugged and went back to work.

_Anyways..._

Kyle had found the hookshots after a long race and went back to Kakariko to meet up with the others. He saw Richard."Where's Joe?" he asked.

Richard shrugged. But their question was soon answered by a scream as Joe leapt out of the well, shaking and gibbering and holding the lens of truth! "How'd it go?" Richard asked.

"First I fell in, and then there was a huge hand that attacked me! You knew about this!" He yelled.

Everyone laughed at him, while he sulked,and they played the Nocturne of Shadow and warped to the Shadow Temple.

Before they went into the Shadow Temple, Kyle said," Hold on," And did Farore's Wind, which took away almost all of his magic.

They entered, and had trouble with the invisible walls. They made quick work of the dungeon...but it was straining, and they had already used the Green Potion for spare magic. Richard had picked up a pair of Hover Boots. After a while they had finally made it to the ghost ship.

Richard layed back,"Ah...time for a relaxing cruise..." Of course, right as he said that, a Stalfos tried to stab him! Everyone got out their swords and fought!

Kyle blocked a blow from one Stalfos, and then sliced at it! The Stalfos dodged and then tried to shield bash him, but Kyle moved to the side and stabbed it in the back, subdueing it.

Joe swung and lopped of his Stalfos head, and was just about to sheath his sword when he heard Duran yell,"You idiot! Behind you!"

Joe turned around and was almost stabbed, but Richard shot _Din's Fire_ at it and sent it flying over the side of the boat!

"JUMP!" Kyle yelled, and everyone hopped off, Richard barely making it!

"Damn...I was almost a victim of the Titanic's ghost!' Richard said.

After making way through some mazes and defeating an Invisible Wallmaster, they finally got the boss key. They saw a gap, and the boss door on the other side.

"What do we do now?" Joe asked.

"We will have to take turns with the Hover Boots," Kyle said.

Richard crossed and then tossed the boots to Joe, and after that, Joe tossed them to Kyle. When Kyle got to the otherside he handed the boots back to Richard.

They opened the door and fell down into an area that was all dark except for the weird bongos they were on!

"Oh crap." Kyle said.

"What?" Asked Richard.

Before he could answer two giant hands started beating rapidly on the drums! The guys were bouncing around rapidly when the phantom drummer stopped and swatted Richard!

As the beat began again, Joe yelled," What do we do?"

Kyle said,"Er...Use the Lens of Truth to see his body, then Hookshot his eye! We'll take care of the hands!"

Joe pulled out the Lens of Truth and the Hookshot and aimed. Kyle and Richard nodded, and each grabbed out their Hookshots( The only thing in the game besides the Kokiri Swords that seemed to have three copies for them), and each of them took a side and shot a hand.

The hands fell down, and Joe quickly fired and hit the eye!

"Now Joe!" Kyle yelled, drawing his sword, and everyone rushed in to hack at the fallen beast!

The beast got up after a round of beatings, and slammed a punch directly at Kyle's face! Kyle went flying and landed at the edge of the bongos.

"Kyle!" Joe and Richard and Frenette yelled, looking horrified!

"HAHA!" Duran yelled, looking happy! The others shot him a dirty look!

" Let's beat this drumming faggot and get out of here!" Richard yelled, shooting one hand and then rolling to shoot the other. Joe blockedthe beast's attempt to grab himwith Nayru's Love, and then shot the creature's eye!

They both jump attacked the fallen phantom, and as their swords dug into it, it dissapeared into flames!

A purple light appeared, and a heart container. They brought the heart container to there fallen comrade, who jumped up, brimming with energy, and full of questions!

After Kyle was satisfied about how they said the battle went, he stepped towards the light, which flickered and dissapeared!

"Hey! What the hell! How do we get out of here now?" Kyle yelled.

They heard a voice, alot like the Evil Fanfic Writer's, laugh malicously and say," THERE IS NO WAY OUT FOOLS! I WIN! MUHAHAHAHA!"

And then everything went silent. After much yelling and argument, Kyle said," Hey wait! I could warp us out of here to the entrance using Farore's Wind...problem is, I have no magic left..."

"DAMN YOU! If only I had bought more of that Green Potion!" Richard yelled.

"Wait! Duran can heal your magic! YES! WE'RE SAVED!" Joe said.

"Brilliant!" Kyle exclaimed,"Duran, do it! Do it!"

"What if I don't want to?" Duran said. "I could just fly out the hole in the ceiling that you fell through!" Everyone gave him a death glare.

"Whatever..." He said as he circled around Kyle, green sparkles swirling all around the blonde.

"YES! I feel the magic!" Kyle said(everyone rolled their eyes), and then heyelled out,"_Farore's Wind!"_

They all glowed green, and then they all felt themselves at the outside of the temple.

"I am I cool or what?" Kyle said.

"I pick what." Said Duran.

They looked around and found themselves in the Chamber of the Sages. They saw Impa, who talked about how she had awoken as a Sage and yadayadayada...

She then chucked a purple coin at Joe's head!

Joe yelled,"OW! MY EYE! What'd you do that for you stupid b-"

"Because I was giving you my sage power...now be gone with you!"

Theystarted glowing in light and then theydissapeared. They soon found themselves in Kakariko Village.

_Later that day, Joe, Kyle, and Richard were all sitting about in Hyrule feilds being idiots..._

"NO WE'RE NOT!" Joe screamed, and then choked on the fish he was eating.

_Proves my point!_

"I'll get you one of these days!" Joe screamed at the voice.

"What are you screaming at?" Kyle said.

"That voice!" Joe said.

"Your crazy," said Frenette.

"Grrr..." Joe growled. Richard came running out of his tent.

"That old cow!" Yelled Richard,"That coin does nothing!"

"Oh well, we need our sleep...tomorrow we get horses and then split!" Kyle said.

"I call first pick!" Joe yelled.

"No I do! Said Kyle.

The argued for a while, and Richard, who, besides Duran, was the only one that didn't care about the horses said,"I've got an idea, heads or tails?" He then pulled out the Shadow Medallion.

Author's Note: Hmmm...how'd you like it? HEY, WAKEUP! Okay, review! By the way, the next chapter is going to probably be my shortest yet! NOW REVIEW, or I'll hang you by your pinky toe with a thin guitar string off the Eifell Tower!


	9. This Horse is RETARDED!

**Author's note: **Hey, I'm back! I know this is a short one, and I promise a long one after this! I'll update again **sometime this week or the next **with a fresh, LONG, funny, chapter! And now onto my reviewers, which I am happy to say have almost doubled! I guess I'll have to save the guitar string for later...

**Sparkly Faery: **YAY! New reviewer! Keep reading!

**lalalalala2:** Lol! Well now you won't be hung...sigh

**EJ Amber:** NO! I hate Navi! You keep reading to!

**Kazuki Fiznit:** Lol! Yes...the cheese puffs...that sucks that your story got canceled, I liked it! Keep reviewing!

**Vivi:** Sorry about the short chapter...

**Blabbityblab:** Thanks! I love new reviewers! And I read your review for The Ocarina of Time-Space Continuum, and it was funny as hell!

**Sabaal:** I love those parts where Joe responds to the narrator to! Oh, and Navi got on Joe's nerves so he bottled her and threw her in a river remember! QUESO! I names my new kitten Queso lol! I'm glad you FINALLY reviewed!

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Richard flipped the Shadow Medallion in the air. It spun up and up, and seemed to hover in the air for a second. Then slowly, it came crashing back down to earth...slowly...slowly...

"CUT THE FREAKING SUSPENSE ALREADY!" Kyle screamed.

Fine...whatever! So the coin landed and because the author of this story hates people who cut the suspense, Joe won and got first pick!

"Where's your Irish luck now, Kyle? Ahahahaha!" Joe laughed and did a victory dance. Kyle grumbled and everyone started walking (and flying in the case of the two fairies) towards the Lon Lon Ranch.

By night they had made it there, and fighting off skeletons, they got to the front door. Joe knocked, and they saw some feet shuffle under the door, and they saw an eye looking through the peep hole at Joe.

"Go away, Malon's sleeping." They heard Talon's voice yell. So they went into her pasture and set up tent city on Malon's lawn!

The next morning, they walked into the house one by one, Malon was smiling and said," Hi Kyle! Hi Richard! H-hi-HIDE!" She screamed as she saw Joe and she ran upstairs!

"Freaking racism!" Joe yelled.

"Well, since you are always screaming for no reason, no wonder she's scared of you!" Richard said.

"It's that voice! Don't you guys ever here it?" Joe yelled. Kyle and Richard looked at eachother like he was crazy.

_So they made Joe sit in the barn while they talked to Malon...heh heh, poor, crazy Joe!_

"DAMN IT! STUPID VOICE!" Joe screamed as a cow drooled on him!

_Anyways..._

Kyle and Richard sat in the dining room, eating fresh eggs, bacon, and milk. Malon, still looking a bit shaken, said,"So, why did you guys come here?"

Richard said,"Erm...we were wondering if we could...um...borrow some horses?"

"Okay, just because you because you guys are my only friends...besides that monkey...I'm so lonely..." Malon sat there rocking herself.

"Umm...okay then! Let's go!" Kyle said, changing the subject as fast as he could!

"Sure, the stall's are over there," Malon then pointed," Go help yourselves to the horses!"

"Okay, see ya!" Richard said.

"Thanks!" Kyle said, as they hastily shuffled off towards the horses.

They got to the stalls, and many horses looked at them. Joe was there, and he said," How'd it go?"

Richard shuddered and said," She's weird..."

"Oh well! I get first pick!" Joe said happily, as he picked a white horse.

Kyle grumbled and picked a brown horse, it reminded him of Epona, and since he had the green tunic, he thought it would fit him!

The only one left was a mentally deranged black horse...it seemed to grin at Richard as it ran into a wall face first!

Richard grumbled as he put a saddle on it, and it started taking a crap as he mounted it!

"Yuck!" Richard yelled.

"Your horse is RETARDED!" Duran yelled. Frenette was put into one of her trademark fits of giggles!

"So what!" Richard yelled. Kyle and Joe laughed.

Kyle said," Haha! Your horse is an idiot!" The horse grinned at Richard with crossed eyes, and stared to run at top speed towards the wall, as if to prove that it wasn't retarded!

"Stop! You stupid horse!" Richard yelled. There was an earsplitting crash, and when the dust cleared, Richard was sitting there, laying on the ground and mad looking!

Richard spat out some hay that had gone into his mouth and said," I have decided what I should name the horse..."

"What? What!" Everyone asked.

"It shall be named..." Richard proclaimed,"Kyle!" Kyle looked astounded, the faeries were laughing there wings off, and the horse grinned proudly!

Joe started busting up, and Kyle said,"Hey! Thats not funny!"

After a while of jokes, they all rode off out of the Ranch, and as they were leaving, they heard some voices from the house.

"What do you mean the horses are missing?" They heard Talon scream at Ingo.

They then heard Malon pipe up," Don't worry daddy! It's all a part of the monkey's plan! So I told them they could!"

"DAMN YOU ALL!" Talon screamed in his hickish voice!

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**Author's Note:** Yes, I know this chapter was as short as hell, and I promise that the other chapters will be much longer! Oh, and happy Veterans Day to all you Americans who read my story! Oh, and I forgot to say happy Halloween last time I updated!

**Kyle:** I'LL HALLO YOUR WEEN!

**Author:** I created you dammit! Oh, and the chapterly threat:

If you don't review, I'll slam your tongue in a car door and drive off! MUHAHAHA!

SO REVIEW!


	10. Kyle's Forest Temple Madness

**Author's Note:** I finally updated! I'm sorry that I didn't do it sooner...the holidays...school...and everything else! Hey! Don't look so angry...fine! Just forget everything I said! I didn't update because I was in the...erm...hospital! I swear! What happened to me you ask? Ummm...I O.D.ed on sugar! Yeah! Anyways, I now answer all my reviewers through the nice review reply system made for us! So thank you all! And now...on to the story!

**The Forest Temple and Kyle's craziness!**

It had been a couple of weeks since the group had departed, and Kyle sat upon his brown horse as he rode into the Kokiri Forest. He saw a lot of evil animals attacking the residents, and he heard a voice yelling,"Help me!" He looked to see a young Kokiri being pelted by Deku Scrubs...and he pointed and laughed!

The Kokiri gave him a rude look as he went into the Lost Woods. He avoided the Skull Kids who attacked him and made it to the log tunnel that went to the Sacred Meadow. He saw a familiar jerk standing in the entrance, it was Mido!

Mido said," You, do you know Kyle? Well if you see him...tell him that Mido says he's-"

Before he could finish Kyle swatted his horse, and with a,"WHEEE!" he trampled over Mido!

Mido had a look of realisation in his eyes as he said,"I'll get you Kyle! You will DIE!" And so Kyle put his horse in reverse and trampled him backwards!

"Haha! That's what you get for making me find a sword and a sheild!" Kyle said, and then went off into the Sacred Meadow.

He got to the Meadow, and after destroying some Deku Scrubs and some Moblins, he found a grotto hole. At this point, that obnoxious green fairy Duran woke up and flew next to Kyle. Kyle jumped into the hole and yelled as he went down!

Duran was taken aback by the beauty around him. He saw a fountain full of fairies dancing placidly around a peaceful fountain. The water was crystalline and nice, and..."KYLE! STOP PEEING IN THE FOUNTAIN! NOOOO! YOU BASTARD!" Duran screamed.

And sure enough, Kyle was taking a a relaxing was in the fountain,"Aww...man I've been waiting for this for a while..." He sighed.

All the fairies include Duran made an angry buzzing noise not unlike a swarm of bees, and started to attack him! Kyle yelled,"What? Why are you attacking me! No! Atleast give me time to zip up my-" But it was too late, he was chased out of the fountain and up the stairs to the temple! The Giant Moblin fell over laughing, so he easily got by, and finally the fairies besides Duran went back to their fountain!

"Glad that's over..." That's when he saw Shiek!

Shiek looked at him, and then fell to the ground with a traumitized look and started muttering,"Wiener...wiener...wiener..." And then started twitching!

Kyle yelled and turned around and zipped up! He was blushing furiously, and he said," You can stop now! It's gone!" and then Shiek started going into convulsions and having a seisure!

"You transvestite son of a-" He didn't finish the sentence as he ran and climbede up a pole, straight into the temple, Duran was in fits of tears!

"WILL YOU STOP LAUGHING!" Kyle yelled.

"What it's funny! You are such an idiot!" Duran yelled.

"Why you insolent green piece of..." Kyle said.

"I'm not the one showing my Frank Furter to everyone in Hyrule!"

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Kyle yelled and started frantically trying to chop Duran!

Duran flew higher, but Kyle leaped onto some vines and continued his assault, and managed to get onto a ledge. In his frantic swipes, he accidently hit a chest, busting it open and releasing a key! Kyle grabbed it and, with a malovent glance at his pestilent fairy, Kyle went down and opened a door.

He stepped in and saw two Wolfos jump down to attack him! Kyle whipped out his sword...just like he did infront of Sheik...

"I heard that!" Kyle yelled as he disembowled one wolfos and cut the head off the other! Duran chuckled.

He entered the temple, and saw four colored flames, some spirits fled from them and the flames petered out.

"AHAHAHA!" Duran laughed.

"What's so funny?" Kyle said.

"Peter! Ahahaha! Peter!" Duran giggled.

"Damn fairy..." Kyle said seething in anger...(A/N: Okay...I'm done with those jokes!)

After running around the temple, and defeating many opponents, and figuring out something to do with a well, Kyle managed to get to a large chest.

Kyle excitedly threw it open and grabbed out a bow, quiver, and arrows! But he forgot about one thing...

DA DA DA DAA! YOU GOT THE FAIRY BOW!

"DAMN IT!" Kyle screamed and tore out some of his hair! Kyle then started to try out his bow, and he shot it towards the wall and was happy with his aim.

"Nice Gay Bow, huh?" Duran said.

"It's not a Gay Bow! Besides...you're a fairy, so does that make you gay?" Kyle responded, smiling.

Duran replied,"Whatever patchy..." At this, Kyle subconsciously rubbed his head and looked mad.

So Kyle began his mad hunt for the poes, and managed to get three of them and go through a strange twisted hallway that he made become straight.

He was going up some stairs and chasing a poe, he nocked an arrow on his bow and frantically shot every portrait of the ghost he ran by! He ran and managed to make it to the main room, where there were some puzzle peices and a picture of the ghost.

Kyle tried this horrible puzzle over and over, and became frustrated with each attempt. He was supposed to make the puzzle match the portrait of the ghost, but it was timed, so it took quite an effort to do it. After about five attempts, he finally managed to do it!

"Phew...well that was hard..." He then caught sight of the specter flying about, and he jumped up and let loose a volley of arrows on it. Some of them missed, but two struck it, and it came smashing into the ground and disentagrated into colored flames. Kyle bottled them and used Farore's Wind to teleport to the center room.

He lit the last torche and stepped upon the platform to go to the boss room. After he did a simple maze to get the boss key, he inserted it into the door and stepped into the Boss Area!

He heard a wicked laugh, and saw a black figure on a horse emerge from one of the four portraits on the walls. Then came a voice, and he recognized it as the Evil Fanfic Writer's," Soon, this world, like Hyrule Market, will be mine! I will rent out the lands to other fanfic writers, and rule this world! I already made that fool, Link denounce himself as Hero of Time, and make me Hero of Time! Now the Heroes of Element will fall to! I give you this one chance to give up, and if you refuse, I'll send my Phantom Form after you! What will you do?"

"NEVER!" Kyle screamed and started firing at the Phantom. It dodged the arrows and rode into a couple of pictures. Kyle looked around, waiting for it to reemerge, and when it did, he rolled and dodged a white blast of energy, and then let an arrow go and strike the Phantom form!

It yelled and then loosed an energy ball at Kyle! He was hit directly by it, and was knocked back, skidding across the floor untill the wall finally stopped his momentum! Kyle leaped to his feet and struck the next energy ball back at him.

There was a brief tennis match, and Kyle barely won. The glowing ball of energy knocked the Phantom Author off his horse, and Kyle ran and let out a battle cry as he let his Four Sword cleave the mysterious entity. The evil form got up and swiftly blocked Kyle's blade with his own phantom version of the Evil Author's Foursword. He then jumped back on to his horse and flew into a picture.

Kyle and Duran looked around for the Phantom, and Kyle screamed as he was caught in the back by a energy ball. Kyle got up, winced, and started firing off arrows at him, he missed, and was awarded with another energy ball, which knocked him to the ground.

'_One more hit, and I'm toast...'_ Kyle thought, while grinding his teeth. The Phantom was cackling like a maniac, screaming in evil laughter! The Phantom kept laughing, and turning around on his horse said,"Give up now!" and then burst into another fit of laughter!

In his fit of laughter though, his horse rode on towards the wall, and when the Phantom turned around and said,"Huh?" he slammed face first into the wall!

Kyle and Duran laughed at him as he dissolved and left a Heart Container! They heard the voice of the evil author yelling," Get up! You stupid phantom! I asure you that this is only a fraction of my power!"

"Yeah whatever! Did you snag that horse from Richard or what?" Kyle said, while chuckling.The voice let out a grunt of anger and then the voice faded away. Kyle and Duran jumped around for joy as they grabbed the heart container and were warped to the Chamber of the Sages. There they saw Saria, and she said,"Thank you both, I always knew you would come through for me!"

Rauru stepped up and said,"Now, you must stay here and wait for your friends, Kyle and Duran." And with that Kyle got the Forest Medallion.

Rauru then said," Have these Cross Bows to give to your friends, we found them inside the temple in a chest in the crooked hall." And he handed two cross bows to Kyle, one was of a dark brown wood that was studded with sparkling rubies, and the other was of white ebony and had gleaming sapphires. "These are the Cross Bows of Fire and Ice. Give them to your friends when they come."

And so Kyle and Duran started talking to Rauru, Saria and Impa, and waited.

**Author's Note: **How did you like it? Send me your reviews, or else I'll rip out your eyeball and shove a Taser in your eyesocket and fry your brain! There! So review and tell me what you liked and/or didn't like! And tell me what you thought was the best part!


	11. The Fire Temple

**Author's Note: **Yeah yeah, I know I know...you haven't updated in a month who cares about the holiday season you are not supposed to have a life besides writing us stories blah blah BLAH BLAH! Okay, so I finally updated, and now you can all be happy! I have taken the liberty of answering everyone's reviews through the review reply system, so be happy! Yay! New chapter! More crazy adventures! Sweetness! Thanks for all your lovely reviews, keep them up...and oh ya, everyone say it with me: Sixty reviews! w00t!

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Kyle sat there in the Chamber of the sages, and said,"Screw that! There is no way I am sitting in this place for a couple weeks waiting for my bonehead friends! _You_ can give them their crossbows of Fire and Ice!"

"But Kyle-" Saria started, but without anyother thought besides '_I always wanted to do this"_, he yelled and backflipped off the stand! He felt himself falling through blackness, then everything became hazy, and some colors of blue and green all in different shades blurred together around him and spun and then - THUD! He hit some ground and felt everything spin and the colors contrasted sharply, the blues melding to form the sky and the green making the Hyrule feild.

"Dude, that was _so _awesome!" Kyle said jumping up. "Hey look, my horse, and Lon Lon Ranch...well I now have a place to stay for a while!" Kyle said as he hopped onto his brown horse.

He rode into the ranch and started unpacking his bags in the stables next to the hay stacks, he was just about done when he saw a certain redheaded teenager walk into the room, she said," And just what do you think you are doing?"

Kyle said,"Moving in for a while!"

She said,"And who gave you permission to do that!"

Kyle, clearly enjoying screwing with her mind replied,"The Taco Bell Dog at the market of course!"

She then said,"Oooh...okay!"

Kyle, clearly having the tables turned on him said,"...", well nothing I guess, he was to shocked!

"But if you stay, then you must earn your keep!" She said, pulling out a bucket of pig food,"Go slop the hogs!"

Kyle looked at her like this was the easiest thing he had every been asked to do, and said,"Whatever," He then grabbed the bucket and proceeded to dump it on Malon.

"Urrggh!" She yelled,"I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT!" And with that, she pulled a loaf of bread from out of nowhere, and brandishing it like a sword, started to chase after Kyle!

Kyle ran laughing his ass off and, after a long chase he ended up cornered,"Any last words?" Malon asked pointing the bread at his throat.

Duran popped out of Kyle's hat and said," Hey look, a furry monkey!" Malon screamed and fainted!

"Good one!" Kyle said, taking the bread apart and munching on it hungrily.

_Meanwhile, Richard was just about at the Goron's Tavern..._

Richard rode forward...well as forward as you can go on his horse! His horse was teetering side to side on the mountain path, as if someone let it drink a keg of beer, and Richard was scared that the horse would go over he edge! After a couple of hours (it is a lot bigger then it seems in the game!), Richard made it past Dodongo's Cavern, and as he passed he spat on the ground and said,"Good riddance!"

He passed the red flags, and then a while later he made it to the Goron City. He dismounted and walked into the cave-city, and was greeted by...silence. "Hello?" He called out. "Anyone home?" he then had to do it: "Echo!" and just like he said, his voice bounced around the caves.

"Yawn...what are you yelling about Richie-poo?" Said the freshly waking oblivious redish-pink faerie Frenette.

"Damn it! I thought that horse tranquilizer would have killed y-...I mean how are you?" Richard said.

_Unbeknownst to them, our to travelers were being followed in the darkness that was the night time caves..._

Joe woke up, black hair in a mess, sweating and screaming," RICHARD LOOK OUT YOUR BEING FOLLOWED!" He then looked around and upon seeing only his startled white horse and his makeshift camp along the Zora River, he said,"Damn voice! I'll get you!" And then he went back to sleep.

_Anyways!_

Richard had found a chest with a red tunic, and he then put it on, he cringed as he pulled the shirt over his head, which frizzed his brown hair and then he buckled down his belt around his waist, and complained how that made him look like he was wearing a skirt. He went on complaining about the rest of his clothes, groaning things about the tights and mumbling stuff about how the red cap made him look like Santa's little helper!

As he was putting on his cap he was startled by some heavy breathing on the back of neck! He screamed and fell over! He looked up to see a Goron and he said,"What gives? And who are you!"

The goron replied," I am Darunia's son, Dick, named after the boy who saved us so long ago! Who are you?"

Richard blinked and said,"Wha-what? Dick? Don't you mean Richard!"

The goron said,"Nope...my father said that he forgot your name and he was about to give up on naming me, but luckily a blonde-haired teen reminded him!"

"KYLE!" Richard screamed,"I'LL KILL YOU!"

The goron jumped back and said,"Well you got to go save my freinds and dad! They are in the volcano! The entrance is behind a statue in my dad's room!"

Richard groaned and said,"I'll kill Kyle for bringing up my middle school nickname...but first I must do this I guess..."

He then traveled towards the room, Frenette bobbing behind him giggling. He then went in and moved the statue, and went in. He stepped in to the firey blaze, and said," Oh my god I AM HOT!" as he doused water on his face.

"No your not!" Frenette said.

Richard growled and kept walking on, and he saw the broken down bridge that he was supposed to pass. He saw the post with the target on it, and realised that Joe had the hookshot! "Crap..." He said, and then proceeded to do the one thing he did when he was frustrated...blow things up!

Richard lobbed a bomb across the gap, and it blew up in a shower of flames, Richard dancing around and saying,"Fire! Fire! Hee hee hee!" And by total accident and to Richard's bewilderment, the base of the pole burned down, and it came crashing down to form a bridge!

Richard saw the Fire Temple, and he was about to go in when...

"Oh my god transvestite!" Richard yelled as Sheik appeared as if from nowhere! "Oh never mind it's just you..."

Sheik seemed to not hear him and went on to just teach him the song. At the end of the Bolero of Fire, Richard cut off his little girly poems and inquired,"Have you seen Kyle? If you see him again tell him I said-" But he couldn't finished as Sheik started twitching and muttering and having a flash back! Sheik then ran screaming!

"Man that guy is _so _weird!" Said Frenette.

"Oh I know..." Richard said going into the temple."Oh jeez!" Richard said dodging some pots that were flung at him by seemingly nothing. He then heard that creepy chanting in the background, and he then drew his Foursword and shakily progressed forward.

He went through many traps and mazes, and then finally freed the first Goron from it's cage...and after hearing it's useless hint, he wished he hadn't!

He walk into a room, and then he saw some fire gathering towards the middle. It formed into a weird dancing form that came at him and attacked! He swung his sword and the flare dancer flew back and dodged it. The flare dancer kept on hurdling fire and drawing back every time Richard got close enough to attack. Richard tried for fifteen minutes to get at it, when it stopped in mid-air and started smacking it's would-be fire butt. "Oh no didn't!" Richard said in disbeleif," You pay for that now!" and he hurled his sword at the disbeleiving creature and it exploded into embers.

"That's right!" Richard yelled in triumph. He then went on to solve a puzzle involving lots of climbing, running, and Frenette accidently making you bomb the right switch. He ended up finding a giant chest. He swung his sword and busted off the crude lock on it and reached into the chest, and pulled out a huge hammer!

Some how and for no reason at all he new that it's name was the megaton hammer, and he moved on throughout the rest of the maze.

He made it to the last caged goron, and as he had it halfway open, he heard the goron say,"I have a tip for you!" And he promptly slammed the cage door and walked off, despite Frenette's protests!

After much maze going, he made it to the final door.

After much suspense, he was finally went in, and stepped onto the lavaey platform. Out of the lava came a huge beast, all scales and feirce teeth. It was a dragon, and it's sleek body heaved as it breathed out a large blast of fire, a display of power; as it flew around wriggling like a worm in a way, it faced Richard and let out an almighty-

Oh nevermind...it crashed face first into a wall and fell into the lava! Richard and Frenette fell over with laughter!

"Oh my god that was the stupidest thing ever!" Richard said.

"Yeah, maybe you were so ugly that it just died!" Frenette giggled.

Richard was about to hammer the faerie, when all of a sudden the dragon's sickening jaws came flying towards Richard, but they weren't opened wide enough so it just bashed Richard over. "Ow! What the-" Richard yelled as he rolled out of the way of some flames! Richard then realised that he had dropped his hammer, so he yelled,'_Din's Fire!' _And, extending his palm, shot a blinding ball of fire into the dragon's face as he scrambled for the hammer.

He picked it up and hammered the temporarily blind dragon in the face! It came crashing to the ground, and Richard, putting away his hammer, and not even bothering to pull out his sheild, he drew his blade, reflecting the flames, and weilding it two-handed, he chopped it in the face. The Dragon screamed and flew up.

As it flew it strafed Richard with flames that he dodged, and suddenly the dragon landed and came at him with his teeth. Richard jumped back, and then forward again as he slammed the dragon in the face with his hammer. He then sliced it a new smile, and then pulled out his hammer again.

Volvagia dove into the hot ground. Richard searched around frantically. He found nothing.

He stood there, not knowing what to do, when Volvagia broke the ground and bit a chunk out of his side. Richard fell to the ground mortally wounded, and then slipped into the cool blackness, muttering,"Can't...give...up..."

"Richard!" Frenette screamed. Volvagia stood over his new meal, and was about to take a bite when Frenette swirled around Richard, and using every ounce of her magic, brought Richard back to health in a swirl of reddish pink sparkles!

Richard said,"Now your dead! " And brought the hammer crashing into Volvagia's face, and then used that time to put a two-handed sword thrust into Volvagia's face! Volvagia screamed and died.

Frenette was now the size of a grain of rice and barely seeable, her wings nonexistent! She groaned and said,"It will be another month before I am back to normal..."

Richard said,"Damn your cool...screw Duran's magic replenishment and Navi's stupid knowledge, you are the coolest faerie in existence!" Frenette seemed to grow brighter, and they stepped into the red light, and came out to the Chamber of Sages.

Darunia and the others were there, and Darunia said,"Good job, we have some stuff for you. Take this Fire Crossbow from Rauru, and this Biggoron's Sword my brother made for you!"

Richard said,"Thanks!" and using Frenette's magic to magically transport his Foursword and sheild into a a magical interdimensional space. He then slung the greatsword on his back and strapped his crossbow and some bolts on to.

He then said thanks and chatted with the sages, and was teleported just outside the castle.

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**A/N: **Tell me if you loved/hated it! And also, I want everyone to tell me what your favorite part was so I can know what type of action/humour is loved by my reviewers! Oh...and I almost forgot...if you don't review I will slowly stick an angry hornet into your ear while your tied down, and then duct tape it closed! cringe So review! 


	12. The Water Temple and the Return of Evil

**Author's Note: **Yah yah yah...sorry, as usual for the slow update, and thanks a bunch for the positive feedback and good critiques on last chapter. And to answer a common question, Richard does _not _know that Sheik is Zelda, he just has a small tendency to call any spandex wearing sissy guys that play the harp and do poems "transvestite and/or gay". And the words "fairy", "faerie", and "faery" I use interchangeably, the last one usually as a typo. Sorry for the late chapter, but I have always dreaded the water temple...

Thanks for the full page of reviews! I guess everyone values their various body parts! I am trying to get to 100 reviews this chapter or the next! Lets see if we can do it!

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**The Water Temple and the Return of Evil**

Joe had made it to the Zora's Domain, with the little incident (he had kept an eye out for anymore "cute" octopi). He was in a little need of a wash, his hair somewhat shaggy, and some food stains were on his blue tunic, but other than that, no encounters. He walked through the cave-like domain, noticed the ice, and called out," Hullo? Anyone there? King Zora? Rut-" He couldn't bring himself to finish that word, so he just decided to go and see if the King was sleeping.

Joe stepped into the throne room and realised that the King Zora was frozen in a block of red ice! You'd think his first thought would be pity, but really his thoughts went something like this,'_I feel sorry for the poor guy he tried to get enough ice to cover that thing!' _

He almost gave up and went back, but he noticed that the King was not blocking the entrance to Jabu-Jabu! He thought to himself,'_My god! That thing hasn't moved from that spot since I last visited him seven years ago!'_

He then went forward into the opening...

_Meanwhile, Richard was on his way down Death Mountain..._

"Frenette you red nugget of crap give me my friggin hat back!" He yelled. Frenette giggled and hovered over the side of the cliff with it. She had gained back some size ever since she used up her magic, and now was tourchering poor Richard relentlessly! Hovering over the cliff edge, she giggled and dropped it!

Richard dove for that hat, and almost fell off the mountain...again, but he managed to climb back on, and he watched as the hat slowly became a red dot towards the bottom of the ground.

"I'll kill you!" He screamed and pulled out a bomb! He chucked it at the faerie and missed, and the resulting explosion made his ears ring. The mountain shook, and then Richard realised something,"AVALANCHE!" He screamed and ran, Frenette giggling maniacly the whole way!

_Haha! I mean, meanwhile..._

Kyle and Duran were eating cucco, and enjoying fresh milk, when Malon came in.

"What are you two doing!" She practically screamed!

Kyle lifted his mouth from one of Malon's fattest cuccos and said,"Eating chicken!"

She blinked, as if that word had no meaning to her and said,"NO! My dad will get mad, and then because of this one chicken my ranch will be in debt and we will owe Ganondorf, and he will sell the ownership to Ingo and someone will have to race him to get it back!"

"Ummm...so?" Duran said, as he started drinking the milk (don't ask me how!).

"Urgh! Why are you guys SO STUPID!" She screamed in frustration.

"I dunno...maybe it's because we hang around this ranch too much" Kyle said.

At this she let out a furious howl, whipped out a loaf of bread, weilding it like a club, and chased after them...again!

_At this moment Joe stepped into the Ice Cavern_

"No," Said Joe, as he put his foot back away from the entrance. "I will not do what you say, stupid voice!"

_You will have to step in sometime..._

"I don't have to _step _in!" said Joe as he leaped in, lost his balance on the slick ice, and fell on his butt and slid into a nearby stalagmite!

_Haha loser!_

"DAMN YOU!" Said Joe. Joe got up, a scowl on his face, and he looked about the cave around him. It was cold, his breath billowed out in white clouds; and it was all white with snow and menacing spikes of ice. Despite these, Joe found it to be beautiful in its own way. He looked along all the piles of snow, and noticed something that caught his eye.

"Oh my god, is that a yellow snowball on the ground! Eeeeww..." He said, making sure to step clear of it. As he made to go around it, it shot up into the air and flew infront of his face!"

"Hi! My name is Cleo, and I am your-"

"HOLY CRAP THE PEEBALL TALKS!" Joe screamed!

"I am not a peeball!" Cleo said," I am your new faerie that the Deku Sprout sent to guide you ever since you lost Navi!"

"Sooo...your not a talking pissball?" Joe asked.

"Nope."

"You sure this isn't like Kyle and Mr. Hanke the Christmas p-"

"I AM NOT A TALKING PEEBALL!" She shouted, while ramming herself against him, it didn't hurt Joe, but it was a minor annoyance.

"Okay okay!" Joe said as he started through the cave. He saw lots of red ice as he went. The cave was full of many freezards and other pests, including ice bats, which Joe has learned to hate very much. He learned how to bottle and use the cold blue flames to take out the oddly warm red ice, and offer many puzzles, some scrapes and trips, and some footwork, he made it to a treasure chest.

"So whats in here?" Joe asked Cleo.

"Why do you think I know?" Cleo responded.

"Useless faeries! Your worse then friggin Navi! Atleast she-" Joe started.

And as if from nowhere, a giant white wolfos leaped up towards Joe, who barely managed to put up his Hylian Sheild in time to block gnarled claws from raking off his face! He quickly unsheathed his Foursword and swept the metal shaft towards his opponent, who quickly blocked it with it's fearsome claws. The blade vibrated from the impact like it had hit a wall, and almost loosed the blade from his hand!

The wolfos took that moment of oppurtunity to dive at Joe, to attempt to bring him into grappling, in which the wolf would surely win. Joe went to swing at the canine like creature, but the wolfos slammed into his sheild while he drew the sword back for the attack, and this sent Joe sprawling across the ice, cold and harsh where his skin exposed, burning in it's own icy way. Joe had dropped his sword, which was laying five feet out of arms reach.

The wolfos sprang towards him, but Joe lifted his feet into a powerful two-legged kick, slamming into the creature and tossing it a little ways away. Joe then pulled out a jar of blue fire, and held it slightly above his head.

"Maybe you should just find a way to bind it," Cleo said.

"Like hell!" Joe snarled, as he sent the jar slamming at the wolfos that was attempting to get up. It struck, shattering the glass, and the blue flame latched onto the wolfos fur. It screamed a high pitched almost human scream, and slowly was incased in ice.

Joe walked past it towards the chest. "Do you think it can still live?" Said Cleo.

"Maybe if it was a frog. Not much else can stay frozen for too long without dying." Joe said as he opened up the chest.

DA DA DA DAA!

"DAMN IT!" Joe screamed as he jumped back and accidentally poked his eye with his sword!

"Oh that's just grand," Just said with a groan,"Iron boots, as if I would need any heavier boots!" Joe said. Cleo chuckled at him as he recovered his sword. Surprisingly, the sword only left him with a black eye, instead of peircing it!

As they went out, they saw Sheik sitting there at the cave entrance. Frankly, seeing a dude in spandex was weird enough in this place. "Who the hell are you!" Joe said.

"Why you dirty vulgar peasant how dare y- I meant...ahem..." And after that he/she/it introduced it's self and then started doing a poem and teaching Joe the Serenade of Water.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joe managed to hop across the ice to the King Zora, where he seriously contemplated _not _unleashing Jabba the Hutt.

He thought about a princely reward though, and dumped some cerulean fire upon the red ice. It melted, and the King groaned. "Are you okay, King?" Joe said, figuring a little niceness might get him a better reward.

"Yes," It said, it's rolls of flab jiggling as it talked,"Since you rescued me, you may have this blue tunic!"

Joe groaned and said,"I already have one!"

"Well too bad!" He said.

Joe accepted the free clothing and went to go take a bath in the cold river, Cleo went to get more blue fire to melt other Zoras.

Aterwards, Joe said, "Now how am I supposed to get to that Water Temple in Lake Hylia?"

Cleo said, "You can use those boots to go underwater maybe, I dunno...Navi is more of a spirit of intellect."

Joe said," Good idea! Awww man, it'll take me a week to get all the way back to the Lake! Wait a minute...maybe if I used that Grenade of Water I can get there right now!"

And so Joe played the song, and blue light swarmed him and he suddenly was infront of the Lake. He stepped forward, put on the boots, and plunged into the mild waters of the lake. He reached the Temple, and went inside.

He stepped in, and took in his surroundings. He noticed grey walls, some skulltulas, drab torches here and there and-

"Ruto and Link!" Joe yelled. They jumped up, nearly hitting the ceiling, and spun around."What are you guys doing here!" Joe spouted.

"It is Zora tradition to marry in this temple!" Said Link proudly, Ruto nodding all the way.

Joe quivered," You...and fishsticks...gulp...MARRIED!" Joe yelled, his stomach fighting to jump out of his mouth as if to run from it all. "Get out of here! First you renounce your status as hero of time, and give that title to the Evil Author, and now this! Get out of here! I got work to do and I don't need you and tuna over there distracting me!" Joe yelled.

"Sheesh, alright, come on Linkie-poo, we can get married at the fisher's house!" Ruto said. And so they left. Joe grumbled, while Cleo giggled, and he trudged on through the dungeon. It was an arduos task, lots of getting wet and cold, raising and lowering the water level, and using the hookshot alot. Joe battled on through the dungeon, for what seemed like a day and a night, but there was no way to tell from within the cold confines of the dungeon.

He was stuck. He had no clue what to do, and he needed help bad. Cleo wasn't very helpful at all, she seemed to know about as much as Joe himself. Joe found himself locked in combat with about five octopi like creatures. He sweated as he skewered one, and concentrated on sheilding all the rocks that were aimed for him. His lungs hurt from the constant intake of cold air, and his side had a splitting pain. One edged forward, crouched as if to attack, and sprang-

"HEY LISTEN!" A shrill voice screamed!

"MY EYE!" Joe screamed as the octopus dived towards him and shot him in the eye!

"HAHA!" Cleo's voice rang out!

Joe quickly dispatched of the Octopi, and turned to see that same accursed blue fairy, seven years later! It was flying above a broken bottle that had apparently come down a nearby waterfall recently and shattered on the hard stone.

"Oh my God! It's Navi! We all hop- I mean thought you were dead!" Joe said.

"HEY LISTEN!" Navi screeched.

"WHAT!" Joe yelled barbaricly and swung at it in his anger.

"That octorok will shoot rocks at you! Don't get to close!" Navi said.

"DAMN YOU!" Joe said, swinging his sword, Navi hovered just out of range.

"Who is that yellow faerie?" Asked that horrible voice.

"Cleo!" Joe said.

"What happened to your eye?" Navi asked.

"Just shut up and get me out of this place!" Joe said, rubbing self consciously at his black eye.

The dungeon went by much faster with the help of Navi, and soon they made it to a misty room, where Joe could barely see a foot in front of him! He walked up to the central shrine, and a dark shadow manifested. It was as tall as Joe, and in every way was shaped like Joe, holding all of the same gear.

"Who the hell are y-" Joe was about to say but he was quickly kicked in the chest! He went flying back, but quickly regained his feet and produced his Foursword. The shadow, who was Dark Joe as Navi said, drew a dark looking version of the same blade!

Joe squared off with his nemisis, and sparks flew as their blades met. Sooner or later they winded up drawing their sheilds, to lessen the damage, but no matter what Joe did, he seemed that he would tire out eventually. Neither of them gained or lost any ground, and it was eerie how Dark Joe knew his moves as if ahead of time.

"STOP COPYING ME!" Joe yelled as he swung at his opponent!

After about half an hour of intense combat, Joe decided he needed to switch tactics or tire out. He pulled his hookshot out and loosed it's barbed tip at his dark side. Dark Joe simply held up his sheild, and they continued you fighting once more. "Try using magic!" Navi suggested.

Joe nodded, and, palm forward, yelled,'_Nayru's Love!'_ And immediately a sapphire crystalline force feild surrounded him! Dark Joe dived through the mist and went hiding. "damn," Joe said between breaths,"He's waiting until my will power falters!"

Joe hunted through the pressing shadows, but the only hint he found of his darker self, was the occasional hook shot that would spring from the mist and hit his force feild, wearing down Joe's mana. After a long time like this, Joe's sheild flickered out, and he looked around for his counterpart. He didnt notice him behind him until a dark sheild slammed him in the back and sent him skidding across the inch deep water in the room.

Joe yelled in desperation, and he thought he was dead. He was tired, his mental energy and health battered down, and he needed help. Just then, he noticed Cleo circling around him, and yellow sparkles flew about him. She turned to the size of a glowing yellow rice grain, like faeries that expend their power tend to do. Joe rose up, his sword glowing with golden light. He felt his strength seriously double, and energy coursing through him. His mana levels and physical health was in no better condition, but he felt incredibly strong.

Dark Joe flung himself forward, and Joe, not grabbing his sheild off the ground, swung a two-handed swing to parry the blade. To his surprise, he heard the screeching sound of bent metal and saw Dark Joe's sword twist! Joe laughed and took this moment of surprise to his advantage, and with a lazy flick of his wrist, he knocked his nemisis' blade out of his hand. Joe then swung, and watched his sword part what looked like his own head off the shoulders of his counterpart. He shuddered as he stared down at the slightly twitching body, for it looked just like he had killed himself, and he thought,"That could have been me."

He silently walked into the next room, and found it...empty! He saw what looked like a pool, but there looked like a battle had gone on, and he saw what looked like a wedding shrine put up!

He half grinned and half grimaced, and Cleo said,"It looks like the Zora's had used this as their wedding chamber too, and I guess Link had to clear it out!"

"Yah...still, even if Link helped me out, a wedding like that is just WRONG," Joe said, laughing."By the way, that was awesome what you did to my strength back there!"

"Yah, just think what you would have done without me!" Cleo said.

"I could have taken him!" Joe replied.

"Riiiiight" Cleo said.

"Hey listen!" Navi said.

Cleo and joined groaned and said,"What?"

"You must go to the Chamber of Sages, Rauru has a gift, some sort of ice crossbow for you, and Ruto will give you one of those (A/N: Useless!) tokens that you need to get to the Evil Author!" Navi said dutifully.

"Yay! Bow!" Joe cheered gleefully as he hopped into the light.

Joe appeared in the Chamber, and Rauru was holding a crossbow in his hands, thin and elegant. He looked as if he were about to do a long speech, but Joe just grabbed it out of his hands!

"Mine mine mine!" Joe said. The sages stared at him dissaprovingly.

"Joe, is that a black eye?" Saria asked, clearly concerned.

"Nope, my father was a panda bear." Joe said sarcastically.

The sages looked confused, but Ruto gave him the medallion anyways after a little bit of talk. He, Navi, and Cleo were then teleported out of there!

* * *

**Author's Note: **Tell me what you think about this chapter and what you liked/disliked, and what you thought was the funniest/coolest part! If you dont review I will spray bleach in your eyes, throw pop rocks in them, and duct tape them shut! But if you do review...well you get a slightly less grumpy author and a sooner update! I think that my earlier chapters need a little redoing...but oh well! I also don't think the humor was as great as in this chapter as it is in the last few chapters, but hey, it's hard to find good humor for something like the Water Temple! NOW REVIEW!

P.S. And incase you didn't figure it out, the return of evil was Navi!


	13. Justin Finally Updates! Fiesta Time!

**Author's Note:** I'm back! And time for a new chapter! Yeah yeah I know, you probably almost deleted the email notification from not remembering it because its been so long, but its not all my fault...its uuhh...Vivian Remora's fault +Everybodies grabs torches and pitchforks+

And no! This story is not dead! It LIVES!

I am glad most of you liked last chapter, there are many Joe fans now (. Some of you liked the fight with Dark Joe, and some of you scrolled past it, but either way as long as you review I dont care. For those he thought it was lame, just remember I am a comedy not action writer...though I try!

Anyways, on to the next chapter...and yes we are nearing the end, I'd say we are are two or three chapters away, maybe four or five if your lucky/unlucky, and maybe a bonus chapter if I get a lot of reviews that say nice things...I mean, umm, feel free to say what you want about my story...

On with the story!

**Justin Finally Updates! Fiesta time!**

"Hey, check it out Cleo and Navi! I am in front of the castle! And there's my lazy fat horse I have only rode once throughout my whole time here..." Joe said, happy to be out of the water temple. And indeed, Joe's gleaming white horse was rather plump! He then hopped onto the fat beast, which grunted in dissaproval, dug his heels in the horse, and yelled,"Onward brave steed!"

He soon arrived at the ranch, and he could have sworn his horse was wheezing. But before he could go in, he saw Richard sleeping towards the entrance. Joe got a Lord of the Ringish look on his face and said,"Awaken, stupid Richard, lest you wish me to runeth you through!"

Richard opened one eye warily and said,"Say please."

Joe glared, and yelled "Giddyup!" and he ran straight towards him. Right before the horse was at Richard, Richard let out a shreik of fear, and Frenette dove out of his hat. Joe had had the horse jump at the last second, and was riding into the ranch laughing!

Kyle, who was sitting on a hay bale, saw him coming, and said,"Joe! Your back! We thought yo- OH MY GOD IT CANT BE!" Kyle yelled in, pale with fear, his eyes focused on Navi.

Joe followed his eyes, and then groaned and said,"Oh man tell me about it..."

Navi seemed to not hear any of it, she was too busy glaring angrily at Cleo. "Who's the new faerie?" Kyle asked pointing at a canary colored ball of energy.

"That? Her name is Leo or something..." Joe said.

"Cleo you ignoramus!" Cleo said, looking offended.

"Man, what are we running? A fairy zoo? We already have Duran, he's as annoying as two fairies!" Kyle said.

They all looked for Duran, and saw him flying around some cows, who were trying to swat him with their tails. Joe went to put his horse in a stable when Kyle saw Richard burst into the room!

"Where is he?" Richard said, looking around angrily. Frenette bobbed just out of swatting range, giggling with obvious glee.

"He's stalling his horse, go to the third stall to the right." Kyle said lazily.

They heard a voice from the stalls,"Oh thanks a lot Kyle, don't you want to give him my longitude and latitude to?"

Richard nearly dived over the stalls to get to him, and Kyle sat back and enjoyed it, it was almost nostalgic to him now. Kyle went off to the feilds out of boredom, and saw Malon singing in the feilds.

"My god this is worse then that last American Idol I saw..." Kyle said visibly shivering.

"Atleast she's not mumbling about evil monkeys and stuff like she was last time we saw her..." Duran said.

"Yeah? Just wait until she sees that Joe is back!" Kyle said as they came near her,"Hi Malon!" Malon then leaped and screamed all the way back to her house. Kyle held back laughter and walked back to the stables, where Joe and Richard had finally stopped fighting, but were arguing over who's crossbow was better. Kyle personally liked his longbow...it was more...vintage Link.

They stopped and said,"Where do we go next?"

Kyle looked at them and said,"Oh yah, we have to go to the desert, oh well, these skirts will finally feel comfortable," Kyle said motioning to his tunic.

They all groaned and started packing. Joe was sent to Talon to go ask if he can have some food for the journey. As he got to the house, Joe saw Talon and said,"Can we have some of your meats and milks for our next journey?"

Talon said,"Sure, it'll cost you rupees though,"

Joe responded,"Fine whatever, this should do," He said as he carelessly tossed one-hundred out on the table. Talon seemed to be barely containing his joy as he said,"Yes, that'll be perfect! The milks and cheeses are all bottled and wrapped up stairs, and feel free to take as much of our dried and smoked meats as you can carry!"

"You know, you Hylians really ought to get out more, animals practically crap out rupees in this land!" Joe said as he went upstairs. He saw Malon sitting on a hay stack staring out a window. She was rocking herself and mumbling something about how a monkey was gonna eat them all...

"Hi Malon!" Joe said cheerily. She then screamed, and he thought she was gonna dive out the window, but instead she ran into a cucco pen and locked herself in.

"You'll never get me here!" She yelled, laughing like a maniac as she swallowed the key.

"Whatever floats your boat," Said Joe as he Navi and Cleo all started loading their bags. The rest of the day was spent packing various cheeses, milks, meats, and fruits. Kyle forced him to pack potatoes, and Joe finally excepted it, mumbling something about the accursed Irish.

They loaded their bags on the horses. As Kyle was trying to push the staggering wait onto his horse, he heard Richard say,"Oh my god, Kyle you are so retarded! Will you stop eating the meat! What is wrong with you! And you wobble like a rocking chair when you carry those bags!"

Kyle said," Richard you stupid oaf if I was half as retarded as you I would be-"

"I was talking to my freaking horse!" Richard said.

"I think your all crazy!" Giggled Frenette, who had stolen Richard's hat again.

"I am not crazy!" Joe said.

_And so the cowboys set off, they were tired and bickering, but thats how it goes, when your hiking Brokeback Mountain._

"I AM NOT A GAY COWBOY!" Joe screamed. Everyone looked at him confused and Richard and Frenette made the "loco" sign behind his back.

"What?" Said Joe,"Didn't you guys hear that voice? Why are you all looking at me like that? Damn voice I'll get you!"

_Anyways, so after a while they made it to a mysteriously broken down bridge._

Kyle and his horse bounded gracefully over the chasm, and cleared it all the way to Gerudo territory. Richard's horse, who had oddly crossed eyes, leaped diagonally, and nearly lost the luggage, but still made it.

"Go you stupid fat creature, get over the bridge!" Joe said as he was pushing at the horses back, trying to get him to leap. The fat sloth didnt budge, it just let out a snort of protest and chewed on grass.

"Will you do it for a Scooby-Snack?" Joe said, holding a carrot. The horse ate it and then went back to staring at its hooves.

"Damn it! You fat lard just leap it!" Joe kicked the ground in frustration.

Kyle, Richard and all the fairies laughed at him, and Joe threw a rock across the bridge at them...it missed.

"HEY LISTEN! I WONDER WHATS HAPPENING IN THE GERUDO DESERT?" Navi shreiked, and it sounded like someone dragging a cat across a bed of nails.

Everyone dived for cover, joe said,"Damn you! I know that!" and the horse let out a fearful noise as it cleared the bridge.

Joe looked across the bridge, at the horses, and everyone, and screamed in frustration. He feircly bottled Navi and followed the sign that said,'_detour' _

_An hour later..._

Joe huffed as he finally made it to the other side. Everyone was resting, and when he came everyone and there grandma was laughing at him.

They approached the fortress, and a Gerudo lady was standing there wearing practically nothing and carrying a spear.

"Oh yes, I forgot to tell you, the Gerudo are all female except for one male every hundred years..." Kyle said.

"A fort full of girls? This will be easier then I thought, just leave it to me!" Richard declared as he strutted up to the guard. They saw him say something and strike some sort of pose. The Gerudo looked shocked for a split second, and then feirce as she knocked him over the head with the back-end of her spear. He fell over knocked out, and Kyle and Joe ran to his assistance!

"Richard are you okay?" They said at the same time.

"Jinx you owe me a coke! One two three four five six seven eight nine ten! Ha, you cant talk until I say your name! So you cant object!" Kyle yelled as fast as he can.

Joe opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out, he looked surprised and then angry as he sulked with his arms crossed in defeat.

"Wow I guess you really can jinx people in this world..." Kyle said. "Too bad I didn't say he couldn't talk until he got me a coke..."

"You stupid fools are under arrest!" The Gerudo sentinel interrupted, clearly thinking the conversation was stupid.

"We didnt do anything!" Kyle said.

"You didnt pay the toll to tie up your horses!" She said as she motioned to the horses.

"Well that guy right their has money, he will pay you." He said pointing at Joe, who looked surprised and then angry.

"Ha! You fools!" She said as she bashed them both on the heads.

They woke up in a cell, and the Gerudo didnt take any of their stuff...stupidly enough. Except for...

Joe pointed at his empty rupee sack and let out a silent scream! Kyle laughed and said,"What Joe? They didnt take any of mine...oh crap!"

Joe had a smirk on his face and said,"I can talk!"

Richard woke up and said,"What happened?"

"Well it seems your mojo landed us in jail!" Kyle said.

Joe said,"They took all the faeries! Except Navi...I still have her in this stupid bottle", he said motioning to a blue glowing bottle on his belt.

Everyone groaned, and started to figure out how to get out. "Ha ha!" Joe said in triumph,"I have the only hookshot! See ya, suckers!" He said as he hooked shot up, but tripped on the ledge and fell all the way to the ground. Kyle and Richard heard a loud 'umph' as he hit the ground.

They shrugged, and Kyle pulled out a bar of soap and started putting it into the lock on the outside of the sell so it would form a key. Richard said with a joking smile,"Don't drop the soap!"

Kyle groaned at his lame joke and they heard a lock click as they went out of the cell. Immediately a Gerudo leaped down.

"Eek!" Richard yelled in surprise, gripping his megaton hammer. They all heard the sounds of struggle outside as Joe was no doubt being beaten by the Gerudo. Richard gulped and faced the guard,"Can't we all just get along? We can be freinds, and we can all hold hands and sing songs of happiness and love!"

Richard then started to sing "Kumbiya" in his off tune voice, and Kyle and the guard covered their ears. Kyle took this moment to sneak up and break a jar on her head. When she fainted, he threw another jar at Richard and yelled for him to stop singing!

Richard looked mad at the interruption, but they continued on outside. They saw Joe bruised and battered, and many sentinels sleeping or eating on their lunch break.

"Finally you guys come! I could've sworn you were singing Kumbiya instead of helping me! I have ten minutes to skidaddle before their lunch break is over!" Joe said."But hold, on, I have some unfinished business..."

He crept up silently on a sleeping Gerudo, and slipped an eerily blue glowing bottle into her robes and walked off whistling. Kyle and Richard grinned as they walked back into the building. They walked past a door and heard voices arguing in there:

"No your mother's fat!" Screamed a male voice.

"How can you be so immature you meanie-head?" Screamed a female sounding voice.

"Well I hid these gloves somewhere where you will never find them! NEVER! Muhahaha!" said the male voice.

"In the Spirit Temple?" Inclined the female.

"Drat...your too good! I'll have to move them..." They heard the sound of teleporting, Kyle recognized it because it sounded like Farore's Wind.

"Ha! You'll never find it now, and it's right under your nose!" Said the man.

The female let out a say,"This is why our marriage never worked out..."

The male voice then said," Why you insignifacant peice of dung, mothers! Take her away!"

They heard the sound of teleportation and the room was silent. Joe peered through the keyhole and motioned that it was all clear. They crept in, and found some golden gauntlets laying under a painting of a Gerudo that Kyle recognized as Nabooru.

"Wow, he is a terrible hider...and it is right under the her extremely large beak...I mean nose!" Kyle said.

Richard rushed over in joy and put them on,"Wow, I know it sounds impossible, but I feel stronger then I already was!"

Kyle and Joe groaned and they all walked out. The Gerudo were all napping as they headed for the desert, as Kyle directed.

_A short while later..._

"You mean to tell me that we are chasing after a ghost in a desert! You guys are...hey there it is! Lets go!" Said Joe.

Kyle ran after and grumbled,"Poe damn it...they're called Poes..."

After a long while a biting sand and sore feet, they made it to a sand shelter, and unrolled their sleeping bags for the night.

They heard a fluttering that woke them out of their half sleep, and they saw four fairies come in one by one. One redish pink one flew in giggling, then a viridian one, flying sulkily, and then came a yellow one, who yelled,"Thanks for looking for us! We actually had to do some work and save ourselves!"

"Umm...your welcome?" Said Kyle drearily as he folded a pillow over his ears. The faeries sulked and flew into their caps to sleep.

_The next day, they arrived at the desert collossus..._

"Ow! What are these desert beasts! Get them off me!" Joe yelled as his spell _Nayru's Love _was fending off many green little desert demons. They seemed to only bother him...

No matter how many were killed, and freshly legion came to replace the dead, finally the guys just turned tail and ran!

After they escaped, Kyle was complaining about the dryness, so Richard played his ocarina and made it rain. An oasis filled up in the distance, and many coloured fairies danced sprightly over it like a rainbow. Cleo then turned to Joe and said,"This is where my journey with you ends, I had lots of fun making fun of you all, but I must return to the oasis where I was born!"

After they said their good-bye's...and good riddances, they turned to the task at hand. They entered the Temple, and faced many a perilous maze and traps, and fought many stupid enemies. One of which ate Richards clothing...everyone laughed at him and he blushed and killed the Like Like.

Finally they came to a large chest.

Kyle opened it, and inside gleamed a highly reflective sheild.

"OoOoOo SHINY!" Richard said.

"I should have it! I have this stupid Hylian sheild!" Joe yelled.

"What are you talking about? I still have this crappy Deku Sheild!" Kyle cried.

Richard leaped for it and grabbed it, and Kyle and Joe drew their swords.

"Mine! All mine!" Yelled Richard."Don't come any closer or else!"

"Or else what?" Asked Joe stubbornly.

"I will blow us all to smithereens!" Richard said lighting a bomb and holding it up high.

"You wouldn't dare!" Said Kyle.

"Hail Allah!" Yelled Richard, he then let out an Arabian war cry, which sounds sort of like a turkey rolling its tongue, and the fuse was almost to the bottom!

"Okay okay! Have it!" Said Kyle, cowering behind his Deku Sheild, which would be useless against a bomb. Joe let out a grunt that said,'Whatever' and Richard put out the fuse.

"Sheesh, lets hurry and finish this dungeon."

After defeating some stupid Iron Knuckles, that kept bashing pillars and whatnot, they entered a room where two old hags were fighting over who was the oldest.

A large fight ensued, and when the hags looked up to see the Heroes of Element, they said,"Argh, we have visitors, we'll settle this later!"

"Who the hell are you?" Said Joe.

"Ganon's mother!" Shreiked one.

"No your mother!" Richard screamed on instinct. The witches looked annoyed and immediately started firing fire and ice at them.

Joe dived out of the way, Kyle used Farore's Wind to teleport around the battlefeild, and Richard cowered behind his sheild. The beams hit the sheild and he accidentally shot it back and knocked the witches over. Kyle ran was the first to recover, and he ran up and slashed them.

They immediately flew up, and Richard said," I am not going to just sit here and hold a sheild!" And he immediately pulled out his crossbow and loosed a flaming arrow on the Ice Witch. Joe followerd his example and iced the other one, while Kyle ran up to do melee.

Using this technique, the witches were soon defeated, and they were teleported to the Sages chamber.

"This is getting really repetitive!" Said Kyle as he stood in the chamber. Nabooru looked at him and said," Take the medallion, and skat then you ungrateful brat!"

"Ungrateful? We saved you!" Kyle yelled in frustration. Rauru shook his head at Kyle to tell him that its best not to argue, and Kyle just sulked.

Finally after a long boring speech, they were teleported, and then Sheik appeared and said,"Sorry I'm late!"

The guys groaned and listened through his stupid poems and then began the journey out of the desert.

"There be oil in them there hills!" Richard said in his best George Bush impression, pointing at a sand mound.

"This place does look sorta like Iraq...hmmm..." Said Joe.

"Yah, but where are the weapons of mass destruction?" Said Richard.

As they passed the Gerudo fortress they heard an ear splitting,"HEY LISTEN!"

"I guess we found the WMD after..." Kyle groaned as they snuck past Navi and the Gerudos.

_A little while earlier..._

The Gerudo sentinel woke up from her nap, to find a bottle next to her. "Why look, a pwetty lil fairy...let me release you little buddy!" She said as she opened up the bottle...

Big mistake!

**Author's Note: **Wow that was a long one...just typing it felt like a trek through the desert! I hope you enjoyed! Oh yah, review or I will leave a mysterious bottle with a blue fairy in it under your pillow...and no, it's not the tooth fairy...


	14. The Final Push

**Author's Note: **Alright! Another chapter! And I have hit 100 reviews!

This is the last chapter! It has been fun, and I hope you guys have enjoyed this story and I haven't been just getting pity reviews...Glances around suspiciously

Well I won't keep you all waiting! If you want some popcorn shuffle for it now because the story is beginning!

* * *

**The Final Push**

_After a long journey, the two guys, and Joe, were finally preparing for the end._

"I heard that! When I find you I am going to...umm...do something...er, it won't be pleasant!" Joe yelled, trying to make it sound threatening but failing miserably.

The guys were all at their unofficial rendezvous point, the ranch, to prepare for the final assault against the mysterious fanfic writer. After Joe got done screaming at seemingly nothing, which everyone ignored since they were accustomed to it by now, they got to their everyday tasks.

Kyle sat crisscross-applesauce, eating a bowl of undeniably Irish corned beef and cabbage, and enjoying the silence of nature. Of course, it wasn't true silence, which few people really enjoy, it was the trees and wind and the sing-song of the birds. He had managed to get rid of Duran for now, who had been conveniently tied up in a sock while sleeping...

He was finally used to nature how it was, without air traffic, cars, the hum of heaters, motors and electricity, and stuff he never noticed before it was gone. He closed his eyes, and opened his ears to take it all in-

"ITS MINE!" screamed a voice from the barn.

"Damn it! I had it first!" answered another voice.

Kyle almost tore out his hair in frustration before going to the barn to investigate. He entered only to see Joe and Richard tussling over a horse brush like it was the last drop of water in the Haunted Wasteland!

"What the hell are you guys doing?" Kyle yelled before dodging the brush as it slipped out of their hands.

"Watching TV," They both said casually.

Kyle felt his temper soar but was interrupted by their talking.

"You can have it this half hour, but its mine for the next!" Richard said, as they sat in front of a crate. Joe mindlessly pointed the horse brush at it and made a thumb clicking motion.

Kyle was about to go berserk, but instead asked, "What's on?"

"The Powerpuff Girls!" they enthusiastically screamed in unison.

"That's it! You have gone too far!" Kyle screamed. He jolted the horse brush from Joe's hand and said, "I want to watch Sailor Moon!"

And so they fought for hours on end until they realized it was time to go. They quickly saddled up and trotted towards the ranch's exit.

Malon peered from her room's window for a moment as they left and then quickly drew back the curtains. Talon looked like he was barely holding back from cheering with joy. Even Ingo looked slightly happy!

As they approached the Castle Moat after some travel they saw the broken drawbridge and, not wanting to chance it with their stupid horses, they dismounted and crossed it on foot.

They entered castle town and were reintroduced to the horrors that the author's rewritings had done to it!

They saw a table placing food on a man's back and eating off it. The man just grinned and waved! Frenette hid in Richard's red cap and Duran zoomed off in fear. They watched as fish swam in the air and a familiar looking Chihuahua approached them.

"Somebody pinch me, I think I'm drea- ow! Damn it Kyle I'll kill you!" Richard yelled.

"You told me to..." Kyle started.

"I asked for a somebody, not a nob-" Richard said before he was interrupted.

"Yo quero Taco Bell!" said the Chihuahua.

"Oh god, it's you again!" Joe exclaimed.

"Well hello to you too," Said the little canine.

"Which way to the Dark Author's fortress?" Kyle asked, not wanting any small talk.

"That way is past those clock flowers growing over there," the Taco Bell dog pointed out, posing like a hunting dog pointing at a downed duck.

They went to start off but the dog nipped the cuff of Joe's jeans that he had tailored to wear under his tunic instead of uncomfortable tights.

"Yo, where's my tip?" The Chihuahua said.

"Aww, you're such a cute little doggy, aren't you? Yes you are! Yes you are!" Joe said.

"God dammit just give it to me!" The little creature yelped.

"Fetch boy!" Joe said tossing a rupee. The Chihuahua zoomed off in chase of it.

They passed by some flowers with clocks growing out of them, each one with a different time and country on it. They walked until they came to a huge crater full of lava and an ominous castle floating over it.

"Well, it looks like theirs no way in so we might as well-" Richard started but was cut off by Rauru's voice.

"You have come far, brave heroes, so now we have two gifts for you." Rauru said, speaking for all the sages apparently.

A rainbow appeared, bridging the gap between where they were and the castle entrance.

"Oh, hell no! I am not crossing that!" Richard yelled, not sure where to face since the voice had no source.

"And why not?" asked Rauru bluntly.

"It's gay!" yelled Richard.

"Oh just cross it!" Rauru insisted.

"Never!" Richard said stubbornly.

"Fine then, I have decided to change my gifts. I have two more. Here's the next one, which I am giving you instead of ice cream sundaes from your world!" Rauru declared sounding rather annoyed.

Zelda appeared before them, in a cliché pink dress and striking a very arrogant looking pose.

Kyle groaned and looked like he was about to hit Richard, "I thought we weren't to be burdened by her until the end!"

"You can thank Richard for this," The voice said with obvious satisfaction. Kyle looked like he was about to murder and Joe was looking at Zelda with an expression that would be portrayed in cartoons as hearts in his eyes.

"And now I leave thee, good luck!" The voice said.

"Why princess it has been so long since I have last seen you!" Joe said excitedly.

"Ugh, servants take this peasant away!" She said, then looking around she realised she had no servants with her. "Humph. Well the Sages told me to give you this," She said motioning to Kyle.

She held her hand out and a ball of light, as white as freshly fallen snow, appeared and implanted itself into Kyle's longbow, glowing gently.

"What is it?" Kyle said.

"Light arrows. Now, unless you are going to fan me, don't talk to me anymore." She said.

"Why you arrogant stupid piece of-" Richard started but was interrupted once again as Rauru's voice boomed forth once again.

"Oh, and I almost forgot...my last gift!" Rauru said, his voice fading into the distance once again.

Everyone observed as Richard's cherry red tunic and cap started darkening into a bright purple.

"What the hell? NO!" He yelled.

Then three letters appeared on the chest of his now purple tunic in gold: GAP

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed.

"What is it?" Princess Zelda asked.

Kyle gasped and said, "Gay And Proud tunic! Ha-ha!"

Richard frantically tried to tear it off but after a long and pointless struggle he resigned himself to just stubborn pouting.

"Okay, let's go!' Joe said as he stepped over the rainbow bridge.

Zelda plopped down on the ground defiantly and said, "I am not walking. It is too much work. I am not going anywhere without being carried. Chop, chop, servants!" She added some snaps directed at them as she said the last words, adding to her prudent demeanor.

"Have it your way Princess Zernoff!" Kyle said as they all walked away. Joe looked back and waved good-bye sadly.

They entered the castle and found many doors and a big main door.

"This is the point where we are supposed to pointlessly go through rooms with traps that are seemingly designed with our skills in mind. God, evil dictators are idiots!" Kyle said.

After some pointless key getting, and Joe complaining about running into a wall, they gathered the keys and opened the large doors, ready to face whatever was there.

They walked up the stairs and heard some creepy music being played. The three would-be heroes opened the main doors to find the strangest site ever.

Zelda was in a magical prison and they also saw the source of music. There looked to be nothing at first, but then with a swirl of faerie dust a purple-black faerie appeared and stopped using its magic, uncloaking the previously invisible man. The man was wearing a black tunic, and as he let his faerie land back on his shoulder he continued playing the eerie music with -

"A NOSE FLUTE!" Kyle yelled in outrage.

"Who the hell are you?" Richard said first.

"Princess, I will save you! Don't worry!" Joe said.

"JOE! Shut up!" They all said.

The mysterious man said, "I am the Fanfic writer! I have sabotaged your efforts to save this place since day one! And soon, when you guys are out of the way, I will be able to freely rent out this land to fan fiction writers around the world!"

"I recognize your voice! You're that one person that only I can hear! I'LL KILL YOU!" screamed Joe.

"Yah, but who are you?" Duran asked, annoyingly.

"SILENCE! I am the Villain of Time! JUSTIN TIME! And today will be your end! Muhahahahahaha!" Justin started his much practiced evil laugh.

"Oh do shut up!" Kyle yelled as he threw his shoe at him, stopping the cackles in mid laugh.

"You will pay for interrupting the climactic evil laugh!" Justin yelled as he floated towards the ceiling and pulled out a tennis racket. He then started to whack energy balls at them.

"Cheerio!" Joe yelled British-like as he hit it back at him. They had a tennis match for a while and Joe was just about to deliver the finishing slam but stumbled because his shoe was untied, and it was just enough for him to get slammed by the energy ball.

Kyle, who had scrambled for his shoes, ran up from behind Justin and sliced him in the back.

"Ow! You may have won at tennis, but you will never stop me!" he yelled, as the tennis racket turned into the fourth Foursword. He held it up skyward and the castle started to crumble.

"Damn it!" Richard yelled as they started running. They leaped over a crumbling staircase and saw Zelda in her room.

"You dirty serfs! Rescue me at once!" She yelled.

Kyle and Richard dragged Joe away and they kept running, Duran and Frenette tailing them.

"Kyle, it's your mom!" Joe yelled as a terrible mass of rotting flesh lunged at them.

"Ah! Redead!" Kyle yelled as he and Richard quickly dispatched of it.

"Just wait until this is over Joe..." Kyle mumbled.

They barely made it as the castle went crashing down, conveniently forming an arena. All that was left on the inside of the arena were some high stone pillars and slabs of stone. Many villagers and people from around the land were gathering around the edges, wondering what was going on.

Kyle and the gang were catching their breath as they saw Zelda come falling on the outside of the arena. She seemed alright, to Joe's relief, but not to Kyle and Richard's.

From up above they saw the flicker of Justin coming out of his faerie-magic invisibility, they saw a dark figure come floating down, and on the edges of the makeshift battleground formed walls of blazing flame.

They all drew their swords and shields and the fairies also readied themselves for battle.

"I see you have made it out of my little house. Ah, and it seems the villagers have gathered to see their fate be battled out. They will witness your deaths! Muhahahaahaha!" Justin Time said, descending to the ground and laughing maniacally.

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY! STOP LAUGHING!" Kyle screamed, loosing another shoe on him.

"Ow! Goddammit! You will all pay!" He yelled.

"Enough with the talk!" Joe yelled.

"Yah! Let's hop to it, Darth Doofus!" Richard yelled, charging him.

"So be it." Justin said, clashing swords with Richard. They sparred a bit, appearing to be on par with each other as metal clashed against metal over and over again, sword and shield doing all that they were built to do. Finally, with an impatient flick of the sword, Justin revealed his true skill and knocked Richard easily to the side. Zelda shrieked annoyingly.

Before any finishing blows could be made, Joe and Kyle ran in screaming. Swords clanged and danced off each other loudly, shields sparked brightly, and they started to press Justin back!

The people of Hyrule let out a cheer and a voice yelled out, "You can do it!"

Richard got up, grunted, and charged to join his comrades in battle. Up above Frenette and the mysterious blackish-purple faerie were ramming each other while Duran called out taunts and jeers.

"Enough!" yelled Justin as he slammed his sword into Kyle's Deku Shield, smashing it into debris. He quickly spun and tripped Joe before delivering a well aimed kick to his stomach.

The crowd booed as Richard came in to replace the lost ranks, screaming in anger and swinging like a barbarian, which put Justin on the defensive again. After some blocks Justin thrust out his hand and loosed a magical blast that slammed Richard into a nearby pillar.

Justin stood there and said, "Look, people of Hyrule, at your pitiful heroes! You will all be mine in no time!"

Amidst the boos and yells of the crowd, Kyle stumbled up, grasping his sword. Joe shouted, "Here!" and tossed Kyle his sword too.

Kyle stepped forward and started swinging the swords at the Dark Author, who blocked them all with quick steps. They tussled like that for mere minutes that stretched on for them like eons, when all of a sudden Kyle cleverly faked a slice to the right and gave Justin a large cut on the arm.

Justin fell to his knees and blasted Kyle, who had let his guard down to gloat.

Zelda let out another impossibly loud yell and Kyle used some of his remaining energy to chuck a Deku nut at her.

The Heroes all lay around with aching bones and feeling defeated.

The crowd was roaring. Amidst the crowd there stood out a man Kyle recognized.

"The crazy guy from Kokiri Forest?" Kyle mumbled.

The guy spoke up and said, "The time has come! You must defeat the Dark one using the power of the Magic Chicken Fajita!"

He then tossed a glowing taco at the bewildered Kyle and, with a mad cackle, dived off into the lava.

"What the hell? Can this story get any lamer?" Joe yelled.

"That insults me!" Justin Time said as he came at them for the finish.

Together Joe, Kyle, and Richard hoisted the Magic Chicken Fajita and pointed it at Justin. A titanic white beam was unleashed and it struck Justin right in the chest, sending him hurtling towards the middle of the arena in between all the pillars.

The world seemed to hold its breath for a moment as the crowd fell silent.

"No! This cannot be! The spicy goodness is too much!" Justin yelled.

Amidst the expectant silence, otherworldly whispering was heard around him. The whispers became sharper and louder as many pools of energy gathered at the tops of the pillars, forming people.

"You have failed us you stupid oaf!" cried out the Angel of Atonement.

"No I haven't! I will get Hyrule for you, my fellow authors! Just give me one more chance!" Justin cried out desperately.

"Maybe he's right..." speculated the Hopeless Maiden.

"Nah. Let's get him!" cried Feey.

Raging Mongoose, Voldie-Socks, Sabaal and many other authors swarmed the bewildered Justin.

With his last breath Justin cried out, "It's all Vivian Remora's fault!"

The fire walls went down (in the story, so don't start sending me viruses!), and the sky started clearing up, turning an azure that most Hylians hadn't seen for seven long years. The grass started growing and Richard, Joe, and Kyle stood up to the loud cheering.

Kyle bowed, Joe waved, and Richard struck what he thought was a very manly pose, but it earned him only swats in the head from his friends. The faeries descended, bobbing tiredly.

"So what now?" Kyle asked.

Many beams of colored light came down and one by one the sages materialized.

"Do I get to go home now? Because I am really starting to miss nachos..." Joe said.

"Yes, you have all fulfilled the Goddesses' duty." Rauru said.

"Good riddance too!" said an impatient looking Ruto.

From the sky came the pieces of the Triforce, Kyle grabbed the Triforce of Courage, Joe grabbed Wisdom (Oddly enough), and Richard grasped Power.

They held them out and made their wish.

"I wish I could be home!" said Richard, clicking the bright red high heels he was wearing together. A white inter-dimensional rift appeared, and he stepped into it.

Joe was blowing kisses to Zelda, who looked some what disgusted. Kyle groaned and shoved him in the portal, then jumped in himself, happy to at last be rid of this world! As they saw Hyrule fade away they waved goodbye to the people they had known for seven long years. For their fairies, Malon, Talon, Ingo, Darunia and the rest of the Sages, this was finally good-bye.

**Epilogue**

It had been months after their adventure. Kyle had reappeared in his room while Joe reappeared in his yard.

Richard was not so lucky. He had been teleported in front of all the cameras for a gay pride parade on national television. America would laugh at him for years, as he had looked very gay in his GAP purple tunic, which looked like a skirt, his tights, and the mysterious red high heels for which he had no clue as to their origins.

Kyle went on to throw milk duds at people in the cafeteria and lead a normal life, besides the times when he became a potato farmer and that time he became a Hindu monk...

Joe, on the other hand, had been submitted to therapists by his parents, for he was always having these nightmares about a fairy with a horrible voice or something like that.

They would often go and talk about their time in Hyrule while at the beach:

"Hey, do you think we were on drugs or something?" Richard asked.

"Nah, couldn't be. We can't share the same hallucinations..." Kyle assumed.

"Hey Joe, what's that note your putting in that bottle?" Richard questioned.

"Nothing..." Joe said defensively.

"Give it to me!" Kyle insisted. After a pointless struggle Kyle read it out loud.

"_My dearest Zelda, I hope this letter finds you in good health..."_

"What is this garbage?" Kyle yelled.

"It's mine!" Joe howled, lunging for it.

"Not before I post it on the school bulletin board!" Richard yelled with glee as he joined the tussle for it.

And so their lives went on and nothing as strange ever happened to them again, until one fateful day...

Nah, just kidding!

* * *

**Author's Note:** That was it! I hope you enjoyed my story and didn't sleep through half of it! And no I am not much like the Justin Time in this story! Thank you all for your supports and reviews! Thanks for all my reviewers, and special thanks to Angel of Atonement, who beta read this chapter, editing spelling mistakes and adding good touches here and there, most notibly in the final battle. Now I will finally just surf through all my reviewers stories, returning the favor until maybe one day I may type again (Twilight Princess in the far future anyone?)! Until then, I will improve my descriptive skills including describing the environment some, and you can always help by reviewing!

**Second Author's Note:** Sorry for bringing this story up again I just went through and edited the final chapter to be more like my original vision. The changes are slight and barely noticeable, and if anyone wants to talk or ask me to review a story they have written feel free. This story brings back so many good memories thank you so much.


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